www.hungryhungryjanice.tumblr.com

#4 I suppose?

Dear Sophiaboo,
I'm so upset and I can't even cry becuhs if I cry then "all hell breaks loose" again. I hate how they make a big deal when I cry. If I want to cry, I can cry. Fuck America. This isn't a free country. Not for me. Fuck the Constitution, I have no say in here. Fuck. So I'm sitting here all dressed, and I even have a necklace on, and I can't even go out to church. What the fuck. If I go to hell, it's his fault. Because when I moved here, I couldn't go to church for 2 years and then I drifted away from God Almighty and played cards with the devil instead. Fuck myself. I'm fucking stupid and horrible and bad. Fuck all those people trying t bring me down. Fuck all those nosy people who read my blogs for the sake of a source to obtain more information on me to hate on me for instead of caring. Fuck the world and the fucked up people that walks on it. Fuck this. Fuck all my blogs to you, cuhs they're always so damn pessimistic and sad instead of something along the lines of "Sophia guess what? Today I had a good day". Fuck this. Fuck fuck fuck. Fuck the eff word and it's fucking clicheness. Fuck the bitches. WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO BE UPSET CUHS OF HIM. FUCK MY LIFE. Wait I can't even say my life is fucked cuhs then those fucking creepers will have something else to spit out to me on.

Agh. Bullshit.

I hate when I feel like this becuhs when I'm in this moment, I always feel like nothing's ever going to get better. And it's constantly the same shit over and over again. The same yearnings and the same wants the same I want this the same hopes and dreams. Must I even have to repeat them? You should already know that I want to scramble away from here. Same shit. Constantly. I'm wasting away. FUCK IM SO FUCKING PISSED OFF FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Okay enough. Bullshit bullshit bullshit. Fuck shit cock.

I've been having this huge urge to go shopping, but my money is running low. :[
Fuck my parents for not buying me anything and instead wasting money on fucking disgusting fast food shit that makes me get fatter and fatter everyday. Fuck. Fuck them for feeding me old yellow rice when I constantly tell my dad that I'll fucking make rice so will you please make her stop making so much fucking rice in one day and making us eat that shit for 2 weeks. Fuck, disgusting.

What the fuck. it always goes back to that. Uhhmmm. FUCKKK. Apples. (:
Omg. So in credit recovery, they gave out pineapples, and it was so good! <3

Uhmmmm. Fuck.
I've been listening to Justin Bieber repeatedly. Haha.
I wish the new season for South Park would start again.

Okay so my parents bought disgusting toothpaste. Lemme go check what it is.
It's Crest cool mint gel, and it doesn't work for shit.
It doesn't make my mouth feel fresh. It sucks. Don't ever use it.
And you know what else sucks? Aquafresh. Aquafresh is so not fresh. Complete bullshitters.
I'm gonna go watch We Got Married or some shit. Fuck this.
Fuck Chemistry assessments. I don't understand shit. No child left behind my ass.

asdfghjkl;

Christina Tran is sooo amazing. She picks me up when I fall. I love her so much.<3

stupid whore.

Becuhs I'm too pussy

Fuck gfacbt. Looking at you makes me feel sad.

Fuck school. I'm fucking stupid like everybody says.

Fuck tnakan. Stop dragging me everywhere, using me as a shield against them.

Fuck my stepmom. Why'd your work schedule change? You're ruining my fun.

Fuck alpbtan. Why do you bug me so much?

Fuck you cellphone. Your vibrating irritates me. I know it's just spams from Twitter.

Fuck tbtgtiflsm. You make me feel so pathetic and low and stupid and fat and stupid and degraded.

Fuck this Korean music. It makes me more sad.

Fuck that fat mei whore in PE. Leave me alone fat bitch.

Fuck you stride gum. Why'd you run out on me?

Fuck you YesStyle. Why can't you fucking take cash? Why does shipping cost so fucking much.

Fuck Gotto. You made me hate English.

Fuck paddlerackets with holes in them. I hope they're all burned to make a sculpture of Hitler or some crap.

Fuck biff for not taking me out this week.

Fuck managtseo. UGHHHH, you just had to be so cute didn't you?

Fuck tgfcaosny. OMG WHY DO YOU INTIMIDATE ME SO MUCH. GODDDD.

Fuck facial hair. Fuck bad breath. Fuck bad moods.

Life's goooood.

And poofy yummy looking clouds make me happy.
And John makes me happy.
And sashimi w/ Arimi makes me happy.
And Helen Ho being happy makes me happy.
And Marjorie looking cute in the skirt I gifted her makes me happy.
And pretty novels make me happy.


Speaking of novels, rather then clothes, shoes, or even FOOD!
A shopping spree at Borders would make me sooo happy!!!!!

I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hat you I hate you I hate you so much I'm nt even going to bother copying and pasting all the hate I have for you I'm just going to fucking type it all out because I have no life because of you always because of yu for these past 3 years I waste away in this hellhole and I try so hard to care and love you but you know what I fucking hate the way yu are I hate you let me fucking breathe let me fucking cry let me laugh let me scream let me fucking be free you're a fucking dictator I hate you I hate you I hate you you're the one that fucked up my life with your horrible parenting skills and lack of love Always a lack of love ever since I was born and you even admitted at one point you didn't love me and I don't give a damn if you just said that because you were mad I remember those words still I choose to hate you Bitchass son of a cunt fucking asshole asdhakd I hate you.

I feel like I'm drowning in the blackness of my room; #3.

Dear Sophiaboo,
I feel so alone and lost right now. I'm so sad. So sad. The same old crap; feeling bad for myself or for my life or whatever I'm grasping or living. Same old. Nothing changes because whenever it starts to rain, the feelings I've managed to push into the corners of my mind, surfaces. Rainy days aren't my thing. All I did today was eat, stay in bed, and watch We Got Married. I don't know why I have this sadness buried deep down inside. I don't think I've fully opened up about it; not even to myself. Maybe I don't even know why I carry such melancholy around. Is it everything that's happened to me throughout life? There must have been one big impact that crushed my soul. Even before Steven Kang. Even before Jayj.Maybe before California. Maybe even before Virginia. I can't seem to pinpoint it and I know I must. In order to get over whatever it is, I need to find out the source and confront myself and get rid of it somehow. Like chewing gum. Pop it in, savor it, understand it, get bored of it, and finally spit it out. Disposing it and walking away, leaving yet another fraction to the gum patterned sidewalks of Memory Lane. Make it stop. Make it go away. Make the rain stop trickling down my windowpanes. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK IS MY FUCKING PROBLEM, SOPHIA?! EVEN AFTER THE LETTER I GOT. I CAN'T DO IT. I CAN'T BE HAPPY. I CAN'T LIVE IN THE MOMENT. Help me. I'm happy for a day, but when the clouds gather, I break down. Am I mental? Am I sick? I keep saying I'm simple-minded, but I'm so complex. I'm like some 17x17x17 Rubik's Cube. Nearly impossible to figure out. Heck, I can't even solve a 3x3x3 one. I ramble, ramble, ramble, ramble on. I bitch and bitch and bitch and cry and bitch some more and complain and complain and whine and bitch and cry. I'm pathetic. I'm fucked up. Nothing's wrong with my life. It's the rain. It gives me an excuse to complain some more. That's whats it right? I don't live in some big nice house, but I have my own room and a roof over my head. I have my decorative wall and my humongous Where the Wild Things Are poster. I have ice cream in the fridge. I have a living mom and dad. I have someone that isn't even related to me by blood who works late at night so that she can set some food down on the table for my dad and me. Fuck. I'm not cold. I'm not smelly, I'm not dirty, I don't have AIDS, I'm not starving, I have an education, I have a laptop, I have clothes, I have fucking over 17 pairs of jeans(but then again I only wear like half of that), I have a hippo pillow, I have indoor plumbing for God's sake. I'm trying to think of everything I have, but I'm not satisfied. At all. I'm greedy. I'm needy. Selfish. Self centered. Somebody, something needs to pull me out of this hole labeled "dysphoria". People come and pull me up to my knees, but I'm stuck and I sink back again. Again and again. Maybe I really am fucking bipolar. Maybe I need therapy sessions. Maybe I'm insane. Maybe I'm mad. Maybe I have a disease.

I can't do this anymore. Make the rain go away. I'll be fine. I'll be myself. This isn't who I am. I'm not a sad person. I'm the one always smiling. Always cheery. Always foolish. Always childish.

I'm done. I call it a night. Rain will be gone by tomorrow.
Goodnight.

My bf is so fun to play with.

Hmm let's see.
1. Today we played hockey together. He's so scary. Injured like 3 people playing and broke one of the hockey sticks by swining it! He could beat me up in 2 seconds! :[
2. We ate spaghetti and meatballs together.
3. Hmmm we played in the playground and he tried helping me with math except we kept distracting each other.
4. We visited the scary public restroom. Toilet is so scary when it flushes. D:
5. We played inside the pretty private playground and played on the swings. He FELL off while I was sitting on him on the swings and I bumped my head. )':
6. We made tribal cannibal people noises in the tunnel. Aiee yah yah yah! Awoooogah. Humnahhumnahh! LOLLLL.
7. He's so sweet, he draws on car windows with me.<3

mybf(:

I like it when John laughs with me.
I don't like it when John makes me feel guilty.
I like it when John ties my shoelaces for me.
I don't like it when John makes me fall in puddles.
I like it when John slams me into cars.
I don't like it when John pushes me away.
I like it when John holds my big umbrella.
I don't like it when John hits me with my umbrella.
I like it when John helps me with homework.
I don't like it when John goes to take a nap like a lil baby.
I like John. (:


but I don't like how stupid he was not to know they had Nillas @ Target! >:O

I never knew blue Mountain Dew existed until I stole some from Jay Lee

Great. Now I have fucking eyeliner on my sleeves.
Seriously, when was the last time I've cried over my mistakes rather than over a guy?
You really are something, aren't you?

tygacbtfltmr.

2

Dear Sophiaboo,
Why did I make such tremendously wrong decisions at such a young age? I took the wrong road down. =/ So where am I now? Lost? Will you come find me? I'm on Acacia Ave. 9900. Upstairs. One number above 69. Maybe if I get out, I'll be okay. But right now I'm not.

It's Sunday.

1

Dear Sophiaboo,
For some reason, I'm not in a good mood. I don't know why, maybe it's the rain. The rain always leaves me with a trace of gloom and melancholy. Haha, I'm actually doing what I said I would-writing a Sophiaboo blog. Feel special. I'm sitting in bed listening to Utada Hikaru's music. My toes are cold, and I hate it when my toes are cold. Not even all the candy John got me is making me feel better. It just makes me feel like a bloated pig. Thinking about all the sugar and sodium circulating my bloodstreams kind of sickens me. But gosh, this is some really good candy. Sophia, I feel like everyday is the sameold. It hasn't changed, not one bit. I still don't have my privacy and freedom. Do you know how it feels to be rushed, even if you have the time in the world? To have to pull down your shorts as fast as you can and scramble into a tight pair of jans fearing the door might fling open any second? I do, and I hate it. It raises my stress level, I'm certain it does. That's why I got staphylococcus locus in my right eye during the summer. It's not because of my contacts, maybe my mascara played a tiny role, and maybe Jayj did too, but the doctor announced it was stress. Not it was most likely becuase of stress, but simply becuase I was way too stressed for way too long, and my body couln't take it, so my eyeball exploded or some shit. This PLACE. This Goddamned hell of a place fucking turned my right eyeball into a red monster. Getting my red blood cells to fucking try to scar my eye and make me blind? Shit. Damn, I finished the 2 fruit roll ups he gave me. Now I'm more sad. Sorry, off topic. I feel so ashamed. I don't know, but coming here turned me into this... this monster. I'm not even overexaggerating. I don't even know what I am anymore. I don't know where I'd be if I didn't have people like you pulling me back towards earth. Me? Down to earth? Down to earth, my ass. I seem to always drift off into space, maybe sometimes I don't want to come back down from all the twinkling little starsup above the world so high. When people think, "What the hell is wrong with this girl?"or "What's her problem?" or maybe even "Why is she like this?", they won't even know half of the story. Maybe you'd know part of it because you've gone through something similar to me as well. But this is old news, I've pushed it back. I'm not gloomy because of this whole THING, I'm grumpy because of the weather. That's it. So rain rain go away. Come again tomorrow. And the next day and the next. My week I know, it won't be going too well until this rain stops and I snap out of this stage. I can't go back to smiling and not being all anal until the sun comes out now, can I?

It was a long day yesterday. On Friday, I actually fell asleep at Noel's house and was woken up at 8AM to a shitload of missed calls and my neice standing in Noel's backyard. LOL.
So Grace came over to my place while Noel proceeded to go back to sleep.
Grace watched her Korean shows while I roamed the web and gushed over the cute photostickers I took the other day.
After Grace left, I sat in bed like a lazy bum until Sandy called and said to come biking with them.
I ran to the shower, and let Sandy and Helen come in.
They ate rice right out of my rice cooker, and Sandy drank Dr. Pepper out of one of my bowls. LOL.
So I sat behind Sandy on the seat that only supports 25 kg. I weigh like 49 kilo, man.
Hmm went to Sandy's and I ran a mile on her treadmill in 16 minutes while eating Swedish Fish.
Biked Helen home, then I got to cruise on the other bike instead of sitting behind Sandy.
We found a random toilet that some Asian family probably threw out.
I took a piss in it cuhs Sandy dared me to. LOL.
Then cruised around and we went back to her house and I washed my hands cuhs I felt dirty peeing in the public in a toilet that was being thrown away. HAHAH.
Then my babe came to pick me up and walked me home. But he always stalls me like an hour when he walks me home. Ahaha.<3

I got in trouble. )=
So now I'm grounded.

alskdjfhgh

I don't have time for shit like this. I can't run away from you. For some reason, I won't allow myself to speed away as fast as I ca in the opposite direction. I stick around, so can't you just stop torturing me? How can I label you as a friend. You think you're that great and Godly? Fuck that, you're horrible. You're like like fucking scum on the sidewalks. Disgusting, filthy, dirty. Ugh. Thinking of you makes my blood run.

I trusted you with EVERYTHING. Literally EVERYTHING.

I fucking loved your ass.

But you've been fooling me from the start.

AGHHH. I hate you I hate you.

Whoever invented French as a language should go die. D:

Wait they're dead already, but what the fuck.

FILS DE PUTE! >:O

Stop putting me in these situations.

I've been going through this since when? Third grade?

I'm so tired of it. I'm exhausted really.

It just sucks all my happiness and energy away from my body.

And makes me really hungry.

And sad. Why can't you two have at least a tiny tad of sanity in your system?

I'm not the adult. I'm not responsible for you're fucked up whatever it is.

I shouldn't be doing shit for either of you.

Where are you? Did you die? D;

And what I answer will yet be told to another living soul.

Still not happy on a full stomach? That's a little odd.
Why do you have to come in, questioning everything that I've tried to erase.
So that my memories and mistakes can resurface and haunt me?
I think I know what's going to happen.

I went to karaoke with my niece today.<3
We went in our pajamas.
Haha sang B2ST songs.<33333
Throat hurts.

Chestnuts undercooked;

I'm so unsatisfied. I will be until I can find it in my heart to move on.
I'm trying to listen to other people's advice, but why is it so hard?
To erase you. To try not to be upset. To try and live like you do.
To not feel down when our eyes meet, and I can't even stutter one simple "hi".


This is so sad! ); It's a kittycat like me. Feel so bad for her.
Haha freaking Gilbert always aiming me up and showing me weird ass sad asian videos.

I am so miserable right now.
And I don't fucking care. I'm going to cry like the crybaby I am.