#4 I suppose?

Dear Sophiaboo,
I'm so upset and I can't even cry becuhs if I cry then "all hell breaks loose" again. I hate how they make a big deal when I cry. If I want to cry, I can cry. Fuck America. This isn't a free country. Not for me. Fuck the Constitution, I have no say in here. Fuck. So I'm sitting here all dressed, and I even have a necklace on, and I can't even go out to church. What the fuck. If I go to hell, it's his fault. Because when I moved here, I couldn't go to church for 2 years and then I drifted away from God Almighty and played cards with the devil instead. Fuck myself. I'm fucking stupid and horrible and bad. Fuck all those people trying t bring me down. Fuck all those nosy people who read my blogs for the sake of a source to obtain more information on me to hate on me for instead of caring. Fuck the world and the fucked up people that walks on it. Fuck this. Fuck all my blogs to you, cuhs they're always so damn pessimistic and sad instead of something along the lines of "Sophia guess what? Today I had a good day". Fuck this. Fuck fuck fuck. Fuck the eff word and it's fucking clicheness. Fuck the bitches. WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO BE UPSET CUHS OF HIM. FUCK MY LIFE. Wait I can't even say my life is fucked cuhs then those fucking creepers will have something else to spit out to me on.

Agh. Bullshit.

I hate when I feel like this becuhs when I'm in this moment, I always feel like nothing's ever going to get better. And it's constantly the same shit over and over again. The same yearnings and the same wants the same I want this the same hopes and dreams. Must I even have to repeat them? You should already know that I want to scramble away from here. Same shit. Constantly. I'm wasting away. FUCK IM SO FUCKING PISSED OFF FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Okay enough. Bullshit bullshit bullshit. Fuck shit cock.

I've been having this huge urge to go shopping, but my money is running low. :[
Fuck my parents for not buying me anything and instead wasting money on fucking disgusting fast food shit that makes me get fatter and fatter everyday. Fuck. Fuck them for feeding me old yellow rice when I constantly tell my dad that I'll fucking make rice so will you please make her stop making so much fucking rice in one day and making us eat that shit for 2 weeks. Fuck, disgusting.

What the fuck. it always goes back to that. Uhhmmm. FUCKKK. Apples. (:
Omg. So in credit recovery, they gave out pineapples, and it was so good! <3

Uhmmmm. Fuck.
I've been listening to Justin Bieber repeatedly. Haha.
I wish the new season for South Park would start again.

Okay so my parents bought disgusting toothpaste. Lemme go check what it is.
It's Crest cool mint gel, and it doesn't work for shit.
It doesn't make my mouth feel fresh. It sucks. Don't ever use it.
And you know what else sucks? Aquafresh. Aquafresh is so not fresh. Complete bullshitters.
I'm gonna go watch We Got Married or some shit. Fuck this.
Fuck Chemistry assessments. I don't understand shit. No child left behind my ass.

asdfghjkl;

Christina Tran is sooo amazing. She picks me up when I fall. I love her so much.<3

stupid whore.

Becuhs I'm too pussy

Fuck gfacbt. Looking at you makes me feel sad.

Fuck school. I'm fucking stupid like everybody says.

Fuck tnakan. Stop dragging me everywhere, using me as a shield against them.

Fuck my stepmom. Why'd your work schedule change? You're ruining my fun.

Fuck alpbtan. Why do you bug me so much?

Fuck you cellphone. Your vibrating irritates me. I know it's just spams from Twitter.

Fuck tbtgtiflsm. You make me feel so pathetic and low and stupid and fat and stupid and degraded.

Fuck this Korean music. It makes me more sad.

Fuck that fat mei whore in PE. Leave me alone fat bitch.

Fuck you stride gum. Why'd you run out on me?

Fuck you YesStyle. Why can't you fucking take cash? Why does shipping cost so fucking much.

Fuck Gotto. You made me hate English.

Fuck paddlerackets with holes in them. I hope they're all burned to make a sculpture of Hitler or some crap.

Fuck biff for not taking me out this week.

Fuck managtseo. UGHHHH, you just had to be so cute didn't you?

Fuck tgfcaosny. OMG WHY DO YOU INTIMIDATE ME SO MUCH. GODDDD.

Fuck facial hair. Fuck bad breath. Fuck bad moods.

Life's goooood.

And poofy yummy looking clouds make me happy.
And John makes me happy.
And sashimi w/ Arimi makes me happy.
And Helen Ho being happy makes me happy.
And Marjorie looking cute in the skirt I gifted her makes me happy.
And pretty novels make me happy.


Speaking of novels, rather then clothes, shoes, or even FOOD!
A shopping spree at Borders would make me sooo happy!!!!!

I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hat you I hate you I hate you so much I'm nt even going to bother copying and pasting all the hate I have for you I'm just going to fucking type it all out because I have no life because of you always because of yu for these past 3 years I waste away in this hellhole and I try so hard to care and love you but you know what I fucking hate the way yu are I hate you let me fucking breathe let me fucking cry let me laugh let me scream let me fucking be free you're a fucking dictator I hate you I hate you I hate you you're the one that fucked up my life with your horrible parenting skills and lack of love Always a lack of love ever since I was born and you even admitted at one point you didn't love me and I don't give a damn if you just said that because you were mad I remember those words still I choose to hate you Bitchass son of a cunt fucking asshole asdhakd I hate you.

I feel like I'm drowning in the blackness of my room; #3.

Dear Sophiaboo,
I feel so alone and lost right now. I'm so sad. So sad. The same old crap; feeling bad for myself or for my life or whatever I'm grasping or living. Same old. Nothing changes because whenever it starts to rain, the feelings I've managed to push into the corners of my mind, surfaces. Rainy days aren't my thing. All I did today was eat, stay in bed, and watch We Got Married. I don't know why I have this sadness buried deep down inside. I don't think I've fully opened up about it; not even to myself. Maybe I don't even know why I carry such melancholy around. Is it everything that's happened to me throughout life? There must have been one big impact that crushed my soul. Even before Steven Kang. Even before Jayj.Maybe before California. Maybe even before Virginia. I can't seem to pinpoint it and I know I must. In order to get over whatever it is, I need to find out the source and confront myself and get rid of it somehow. Like chewing gum. Pop it in, savor it, understand it, get bored of it, and finally spit it out. Disposing it and walking away, leaving yet another fraction to the gum patterned sidewalks of Memory Lane. Make it stop. Make it go away. Make the rain stop trickling down my windowpanes. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK IS MY FUCKING PROBLEM, SOPHIA?! EVEN AFTER THE LETTER I GOT. I CAN'T DO IT. I CAN'T BE HAPPY. I CAN'T LIVE IN THE MOMENT. Help me. I'm happy for a day, but when the clouds gather, I break down. Am I mental? Am I sick? I keep saying I'm simple-minded, but I'm so complex. I'm like some 17x17x17 Rubik's Cube. Nearly impossible to figure out. Heck, I can't even solve a 3x3x3 one. I ramble, ramble, ramble, ramble on. I bitch and bitch and bitch and cry and bitch some more and complain and complain and whine and bitch and cry. I'm pathetic. I'm fucked up. Nothing's wrong with my life. It's the rain. It gives me an excuse to complain some more. That's whats it right? I don't live in some big nice house, but I have my own room and a roof over my head. I have my decorative wall and my humongous Where the Wild Things Are poster. I have ice cream in the fridge. I have a living mom and dad. I have someone that isn't even related to me by blood who works late at night so that she can set some food down on the table for my dad and me. Fuck. I'm not cold. I'm not smelly, I'm not dirty, I don't have AIDS, I'm not starving, I have an education, I have a laptop, I have clothes, I have fucking over 17 pairs of jeans(but then again I only wear like half of that), I have a hippo pillow, I have indoor plumbing for God's sake. I'm trying to think of everything I have, but I'm not satisfied. At all. I'm greedy. I'm needy. Selfish. Self centered. Somebody, something needs to pull me out of this hole labeled "dysphoria". People come and pull me up to my knees, but I'm stuck and I sink back again. Again and again. Maybe I really am fucking bipolar. Maybe I need therapy sessions. Maybe I'm insane. Maybe I'm mad. Maybe I have a disease.

I can't do this anymore. Make the rain go away. I'll be fine. I'll be myself. This isn't who I am. I'm not a sad person. I'm the one always smiling. Always cheery. Always foolish. Always childish.

I'm done. I call it a night. Rain will be gone by tomorrow.
Goodnight.