Life's goooood.

And poofy yummy looking clouds make me happy.
And John makes me happy.
And sashimi w/ Arimi makes me happy.
And Helen Ho being happy makes me happy.
And Marjorie looking cute in the skirt I gifted her makes me happy.
And pretty novels make me happy.


Speaking of novels, rather then clothes, shoes, or even FOOD!
A shopping spree at Borders would make me sooo happy!!!!!

I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hat you I hate you I hate you so much I'm nt even going to bother copying and pasting all the hate I have for you I'm just going to fucking type it all out because I have no life because of you always because of yu for these past 3 years I waste away in this hellhole and I try so hard to care and love you but you know what I fucking hate the way yu are I hate you let me fucking breathe let me fucking cry let me laugh let me scream let me fucking be free you're a fucking dictator I hate you I hate you I hate you you're the one that fucked up my life with your horrible parenting skills and lack of love Always a lack of love ever since I was born and you even admitted at one point you didn't love me and I don't give a damn if you just said that because you were mad I remember those words still I choose to hate you Bitchass son of a cunt fucking asshole asdhakd I hate you.

I feel like I'm drowning in the blackness of my room; #3.

Dear Sophiaboo,
I feel so alone and lost right now. I'm so sad. So sad. The same old crap; feeling bad for myself or for my life or whatever I'm grasping or living. Same old. Nothing changes because whenever it starts to rain, the feelings I've managed to push into the corners of my mind, surfaces. Rainy days aren't my thing. All I did today was eat, stay in bed, and watch We Got Married. I don't know why I have this sadness buried deep down inside. I don't think I've fully opened up about it; not even to myself. Maybe I don't even know why I carry such melancholy around. Is it everything that's happened to me throughout life? There must have been one big impact that crushed my soul. Even before Steven Kang. Even before Jayj.Maybe before California. Maybe even before Virginia. I can't seem to pinpoint it and I know I must. In order to get over whatever it is, I need to find out the source and confront myself and get rid of it somehow. Like chewing gum. Pop it in, savor it, understand it, get bored of it, and finally spit it out. Disposing it and walking away, leaving yet another fraction to the gum patterned sidewalks of Memory Lane. Make it stop. Make it go away. Make the rain stop trickling down my windowpanes. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK IS MY FUCKING PROBLEM, SOPHIA?! EVEN AFTER THE LETTER I GOT. I CAN'T DO IT. I CAN'T BE HAPPY. I CAN'T LIVE IN THE MOMENT. Help me. I'm happy for a day, but when the clouds gather, I break down. Am I mental? Am I sick? I keep saying I'm simple-minded, but I'm so complex. I'm like some 17x17x17 Rubik's Cube. Nearly impossible to figure out. Heck, I can't even solve a 3x3x3 one. I ramble, ramble, ramble, ramble on. I bitch and bitch and bitch and cry and bitch some more and complain and complain and whine and bitch and cry. I'm pathetic. I'm fucked up. Nothing's wrong with my life. It's the rain. It gives me an excuse to complain some more. That's whats it right? I don't live in some big nice house, but I have my own room and a roof over my head. I have my decorative wall and my humongous Where the Wild Things Are poster. I have ice cream in the fridge. I have a living mom and dad. I have someone that isn't even related to me by blood who works late at night so that she can set some food down on the table for my dad and me. Fuck. I'm not cold. I'm not smelly, I'm not dirty, I don't have AIDS, I'm not starving, I have an education, I have a laptop, I have clothes, I have fucking over 17 pairs of jeans(but then again I only wear like half of that), I have a hippo pillow, I have indoor plumbing for God's sake. I'm trying to think of everything I have, but I'm not satisfied. At all. I'm greedy. I'm needy. Selfish. Self centered. Somebody, something needs to pull me out of this hole labeled "dysphoria". People come and pull me up to my knees, but I'm stuck and I sink back again. Again and again. Maybe I really am fucking bipolar. Maybe I need therapy sessions. Maybe I'm insane. Maybe I'm mad. Maybe I have a disease.

I can't do this anymore. Make the rain go away. I'll be fine. I'll be myself. This isn't who I am. I'm not a sad person. I'm the one always smiling. Always cheery. Always foolish. Always childish.

I'm done. I call it a night. Rain will be gone by tomorrow.
Goodnight.

My bf is so fun to play with.

Hmm let's see.
1. Today we played hockey together. He's so scary. Injured like 3 people playing and broke one of the hockey sticks by swining it! He could beat me up in 2 seconds! :[
2. We ate spaghetti and meatballs together.
3. Hmmm we played in the playground and he tried helping me with math except we kept distracting each other.
4. We visited the scary public restroom. Toilet is so scary when it flushes. D:
5. We played inside the pretty private playground and played on the swings. He FELL off while I was sitting on him on the swings and I bumped my head. )':
6. We made tribal cannibal people noises in the tunnel. Aiee yah yah yah! Awoooogah. Humnahhumnahh! LOLLLL.
7. He's so sweet, he draws on car windows with me.<3

mybf(:

I like it when John laughs with me.
I don't like it when John makes me feel guilty.
I like it when John ties my shoelaces for me.
I don't like it when John makes me fall in puddles.
I like it when John slams me into cars.
I don't like it when John pushes me away.
I like it when John holds my big umbrella.
I don't like it when John hits me with my umbrella.
I like it when John helps me with homework.
I don't like it when John goes to take a nap like a lil baby.
I like John. (:


but I don't like how stupid he was not to know they had Nillas @ Target! >:O

I never knew blue Mountain Dew existed until I stole some from Jay Lee

Great. Now I have fucking eyeliner on my sleeves.
Seriously, when was the last time I've cried over my mistakes rather than over a guy?
You really are something, aren't you?

tygacbtfltmr.

2

Dear Sophiaboo,
Why did I make such tremendously wrong decisions at such a young age? I took the wrong road down. =/ So where am I now? Lost? Will you come find me? I'm on Acacia Ave. 9900. Upstairs. One number above 69. Maybe if I get out, I'll be okay. But right now I'm not.