I feel like I'm drowning in the blackness of my room; #3.

Dear Sophiaboo,
I feel so alone and lost right now. I'm so sad. So sad. The same old crap; feeling bad for myself or for my life or whatever I'm grasping or living. Same old. Nothing changes because whenever it starts to rain, the feelings I've managed to push into the corners of my mind, surfaces. Rainy days aren't my thing. All I did today was eat, stay in bed, and watch We Got Married. I don't know why I have this sadness buried deep down inside. I don't think I've fully opened up about it; not even to myself. Maybe I don't even know why I carry such melancholy around. Is it everything that's happened to me throughout life? There must have been one big impact that crushed my soul. Even before Steven Kang. Even before Jayj.Maybe before California. Maybe even before Virginia. I can't seem to pinpoint it and I know I must. In order to get over whatever it is, I need to find out the source and confront myself and get rid of it somehow. Like chewing gum. Pop it in, savor it, understand it, get bored of it, and finally spit it out. Disposing it and walking away, leaving yet another fraction to the gum patterned sidewalks of Memory Lane. Make it stop. Make it go away. Make the rain stop trickling down my windowpanes. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK IS MY FUCKING PROBLEM, SOPHIA?! EVEN AFTER THE LETTER I GOT. I CAN'T DO IT. I CAN'T BE HAPPY. I CAN'T LIVE IN THE MOMENT. Help me. I'm happy for a day, but when the clouds gather, I break down. Am I mental? Am I sick? I keep saying I'm simple-minded, but I'm so complex. I'm like some 17x17x17 Rubik's Cube. Nearly impossible to figure out. Heck, I can't even solve a 3x3x3 one. I ramble, ramble, ramble, ramble on. I bitch and bitch and bitch and cry and bitch some more and complain and complain and whine and bitch and cry. I'm pathetic. I'm fucked up. Nothing's wrong with my life. It's the rain. It gives me an excuse to complain some more. That's whats it right? I don't live in some big nice house, but I have my own room and a roof over my head. I have my decorative wall and my humongous Where the Wild Things Are poster. I have ice cream in the fridge. I have a living mom and dad. I have someone that isn't even related to me by blood who works late at night so that she can set some food down on the table for my dad and me. Fuck. I'm not cold. I'm not smelly, I'm not dirty, I don't have AIDS, I'm not starving, I have an education, I have a laptop, I have clothes, I have fucking over 17 pairs of jeans(but then again I only wear like half of that), I have a hippo pillow, I have indoor plumbing for God's sake. I'm trying to think of everything I have, but I'm not satisfied. At all. I'm greedy. I'm needy. Selfish. Self centered. Somebody, something needs to pull me out of this hole labeled "dysphoria". People come and pull me up to my knees, but I'm stuck and I sink back again. Again and again. Maybe I really am fucking bipolar. Maybe I need therapy sessions. Maybe I'm insane. Maybe I'm mad. Maybe I have a disease.

I can't do this anymore. Make the rain go away. I'll be fine. I'll be myself. This isn't who I am. I'm not a sad person. I'm the one always smiling. Always cheery. Always foolish. Always childish.

I'm done. I call it a night. Rain will be gone by tomorrow.
Goodnight.

My bf is so fun to play with.

Hmm let's see.
1. Today we played hockey together. He's so scary. Injured like 3 people playing and broke one of the hockey sticks by swining it! He could beat me up in 2 seconds! :[
2. We ate spaghetti and meatballs together.
3. Hmmm we played in the playground and he tried helping me with math except we kept distracting each other.
4. We visited the scary public restroom. Toilet is so scary when it flushes. D:
5. We played inside the pretty private playground and played on the swings. He FELL off while I was sitting on him on the swings and I bumped my head. )':
6. We made tribal cannibal people noises in the tunnel. Aiee yah yah yah! Awoooogah. Humnahhumnahh! LOLLLL.
7. He's so sweet, he draws on car windows with me.<3

mybf(:

I like it when John laughs with me.
I don't like it when John makes me feel guilty.
I like it when John ties my shoelaces for me.
I don't like it when John makes me fall in puddles.
I like it when John slams me into cars.
I don't like it when John pushes me away.
I like it when John holds my big umbrella.
I don't like it when John hits me with my umbrella.
I like it when John helps me with homework.
I don't like it when John goes to take a nap like a lil baby.
I like John. (:


but I don't like how stupid he was not to know they had Nillas @ Target! >:O

I never knew blue Mountain Dew existed until I stole some from Jay Lee

Great. Now I have fucking eyeliner on my sleeves.
Seriously, when was the last time I've cried over my mistakes rather than over a guy?
You really are something, aren't you?

tygacbtfltmr.

2

Dear Sophiaboo,
Why did I make such tremendously wrong decisions at such a young age? I took the wrong road down. =/ So where am I now? Lost? Will you come find me? I'm on Acacia Ave. 9900. Upstairs. One number above 69. Maybe if I get out, I'll be okay. But right now I'm not.

It's Sunday.

1

Dear Sophiaboo,
For some reason, I'm not in a good mood. I don't know why, maybe it's the rain. The rain always leaves me with a trace of gloom and melancholy. Haha, I'm actually doing what I said I would-writing a Sophiaboo blog. Feel special. I'm sitting in bed listening to Utada Hikaru's music. My toes are cold, and I hate it when my toes are cold. Not even all the candy John got me is making me feel better. It just makes me feel like a bloated pig. Thinking about all the sugar and sodium circulating my bloodstreams kind of sickens me. But gosh, this is some really good candy. Sophia, I feel like everyday is the sameold. It hasn't changed, not one bit. I still don't have my privacy and freedom. Do you know how it feels to be rushed, even if you have the time in the world? To have to pull down your shorts as fast as you can and scramble into a tight pair of jans fearing the door might fling open any second? I do, and I hate it. It raises my stress level, I'm certain it does. That's why I got staphylococcus locus in my right eye during the summer. It's not because of my contacts, maybe my mascara played a tiny role, and maybe Jayj did too, but the doctor announced it was stress. Not it was most likely becuase of stress, but simply becuase I was way too stressed for way too long, and my body couln't take it, so my eyeball exploded or some shit. This PLACE. This Goddamned hell of a place fucking turned my right eyeball into a red monster. Getting my red blood cells to fucking try to scar my eye and make me blind? Shit. Damn, I finished the 2 fruit roll ups he gave me. Now I'm more sad. Sorry, off topic. I feel so ashamed. I don't know, but coming here turned me into this... this monster. I'm not even overexaggerating. I don't even know what I am anymore. I don't know where I'd be if I didn't have people like you pulling me back towards earth. Me? Down to earth? Down to earth, my ass. I seem to always drift off into space, maybe sometimes I don't want to come back down from all the twinkling little starsup above the world so high. When people think, "What the hell is wrong with this girl?"or "What's her problem?" or maybe even "Why is she like this?", they won't even know half of the story. Maybe you'd know part of it because you've gone through something similar to me as well. But this is old news, I've pushed it back. I'm not gloomy because of this whole THING, I'm grumpy because of the weather. That's it. So rain rain go away. Come again tomorrow. And the next day and the next. My week I know, it won't be going too well until this rain stops and I snap out of this stage. I can't go back to smiling and not being all anal until the sun comes out now, can I?