bigapple

3:23 pm

Only have 5 minutes of battery life left to spare on my laptop.
Well I already stopped by Vegas and shit, bought Seventeen, didn't get lost.
Now I'm on the plane heading to JFK, New York.
Ugh I'm so fucking tired. Gonna copy and paste this shit on my blog later.
It sucks cuhs I have NO SIGNAL WHATSOEVER up here. >:[
And I think I'm just gonna freeze in New York and Virginia.
AND I"M SCARED SHITLESS OF TURBULENCES.
Everytime there's a turbulence, it makes me pray to God.
LOL. Aww I didn;t even realize today was a Sunday. Missed church.
Hmm I get to se my momma again and hopefull a few of my childhood friends.
Fuuuuck, I'm gonna go nap. Bye. (:

I like you!<33


9:53 pm

Just called my gf and he's a fatass. Always the 2nd person I'll call when I get off planes.

NEW YORK HERE I COME!<33


11:34/1:34

You're quite charming, suprisingly.
And I think I miss you.

You will always be my lucky number 7.

If my voice could reach back to the past, I'd whisper in your ear, "Oh darling I wish you were here."

I've come a long way. I can't say I'm proud of myself, but I'm glad for making it through. There are times when I sit in class and my mind wanders off to past doings. You might catch me in class sighing deeply or zoned off to another place with a look of distress on my face. Whenever I think past to everything I've done during 2008, I want to hit myself or I just hum the thoughts away. I think I've become so pessimistic. I think it's all because of you. It's harsh to throw all the blame on you, but I still believe that it is you. This is why I ended up writing that essay on you being the one that changed my life. You have impacted me the most. You were the flicker of light I was running towards, but suddenly, something blew it off and I was alone in the dark for so long. I turned to so many things and people, so many substitutions to get you out of my mind and to heal my pain. It was one mistake after another and when I finally found something that made me happy, I ended up hurting him the way you hurt me. Now all I have left is his voice mails to listen to. I hurt him by making a bad decision. It's something I regret a lot. But this isn't about you. I'm so glad that I don't have you binding me down, keeping me away from everything. My life is set into motion. And I will live it without you.

I'm in California. How did I get here? I have no fucking clue. I was supposed to live in New York. The world was supposed to never change from the 1990's. I was supposed to remain a good student that did her homework everyday, who carried her pink backpack about school. Who had no care in the world. Who had friends. I owned my block. I fucking owned it. I could walk up the block to the liquor store and down the block to the bigger liquor store. I ate bagels on Saturday mornings. I caught fireflies on summer evenings. I made snow angels on winter mornings. I could run out of my house in the morning and look downward towards the bigger liquor store side and see Manhattan come alive. Everything I needed was on Woodside Avenue and everything I wanted was around it. I miss the youthfulness. I miss the days when Boston Market was genuine and tasted fucking bomb. I miss the pigeons. I miss gum patterns on the sidewalks and New York hot dogs made right on the streets. The subway was enthralling, the way the streets went by in a blur when I looked out the train windows. I miss racing on busy sidewalks with my childhood friend. I vaguely remember this scene when my mom walked me home from school on a rainy day. She let me stay outside and there was a water pipe with water (not sewer water or shit like that) flowing out. I was in my Winnie the Pooh boots and I splashed and splashed and splashed in the puddle that was formed by the pipe until I was soaked to the skin, and I went inside and got in trouble. I miss doing shit like that. I miss rollerblading and eating dumplings out with Hannah in my alley. I miss scootering and always falling and getting myself hurt. I miss running up the stairs to reach the apartments roof. I miss when we hung laundry out in lines like they do in Lady and the Tramp. No matter how fast the cars sped by, my life was content and slow. I look back to these days and I realize I have so many childhood memories that I have forgotten, and they rush back to my mind. And I want to cry because it's not there anymore and I have no one to share these with. I miss when I was all up for going out and running and having fun. Now I'm always buried inside my bed on my laptop. It's not the same anymore. I sometimes despise this techno century, but maybe we all just grew up...

I hate death and I wish I had someone to share my feelings on this with. Sometimes, not a lot, barely, but it still happens, I lie in bed and the thought of death creeps towards me. It grabs my throat and tighten it's grip and I am sucked in. I think of aging and my life going by and I'm wasting all of these Mondays and Tuesdays and Wednesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays. Age won't stop for me; won't wait until I catch up. I have so much yearnings for my future and I keep repeating them over and over. Keep replaying them in my head. I want so many things. I want to drive. I want to rush through streets at night with Hide and Seek playing to the max and escape the world for just a little bit; for the time the song plays. But no, daddy says I can't drive until I'm 18. I want a job. I want to learn how to manage a job and experience it so that I don't fuck up when I'm a part time worker in college, yet my dad won't let me. I want to go out. I want to have fun. I don' want my heads buried in studies. I want boyfriends. And guyfriends. And girlfriends. I want my own room and my own closet. I want my two different worlds to clash and combine to create this happier atmosphere. I want my mom. I hate for being so selfish and wanting so many things. I hate how I can't understand my dad. I wish my dad could have experienced the feeling of running barefoot on luscious grass, the feeling of the wind blowing through your hair as you're biking, the feeling of the cold asphalt on your back as you're lying in the streets in the middle of the night on empty streets, the feeling of busing aimlessly to no certain destination; the feeling of wilderness and freedom. If I were a guy you'd let me drive and have a girlfriend and allow me to have bad grades. You say I'm a girl and girls don't act that way. I've become so much more conservative. Stop trying to calm my soul. I don't belong sitting on chairs or being some girl. Yeah maybe I should have been born with a dick if you think I'm so crazy. I'm pretty shure mine would have been 10 inches anyways.

I'm never going to get married. It's going to be impossible for someone to fall in love with me. I always have this wish for this imperfect love. Playing video games together, rock-paper-scissoring to see who washes the dishes, playing the board games in a sun-filled room, studying together, making food together, arguing over stupid shit, sticky candy kisses, hugs from behind. Somebody that I could just sleep with. Clothes on and bodies close. Just sleeping together with nobody taking advantage of the other. To have someone that would be the last person I saw at night and the first person to see in the morning. I want to have an immature child play love that would shed no sad tears. I'm gonna die single and saggy boobed. )=




This is pretty long and pointless. Just getting sad feelings out.

FUUUUUUUU

You are very very cute, but so boring. )= I think I'm giving up until I turn 20. (;

Yesterday, I saw the sickest shit ever.
No not sick as in cool, but sick as in dayum nasty shit.
Enough to make me feel like my eyeballs pop out.
Steven K. asked me what was wrong.
And said this video would cheer me up.
I watched it and halfway through my jaw wouldnt shut.
My hands were covering my mouth and my eyes were like popping out.
Then I yell at him and say it didn't make me feel better.
And I was freaking out going ew ew ew ew ew.
Then he's all, "See? Different emotion than sadness."
Motherfucker. I should egg his house. UGHHHH. Thinking about it makes my skin crawl.
And after, he sent me a video of a man killing a rabbit. T_____T

I'm still pissed on how people can say things about blogs calling them one-sided.
Hello? My blog. My words. My thoughts.
It's not like I'm gonna write in the perspective of the reader's eyes.

I got so full off of noodles and hot choco.
Tiffany laughed at me cuhs I said choco and not cocoa. )=
I love love love that art store her brother took us.

I really really miss you. A lot.
I'd choose you over so many people.
No matter what your age, height, style, taste, and etc may be.
It'd be you. Besides my niece and my boo.
We never hang out. We never talk much anymore.
I shall sneak you over and you can sleep in my closet then come out at night.
Then we can make a blanket pillow fort and watch movies on my laptop.
Then next day, hit Ktown and the Block.
Teehee would be the best day ever.<3
Until that day, I'll wait. (:

OMGOSH SO COLDDD. I HATE YOU MOTHERFUCKKERRR. DIEEEEE.

Ahaha. I'm laughing so much because ahaha. Ahaha. I really don't care.
And I don't care who you like. And who you hate.
And whether you think I'm obnoxious and strange because, I really don't give a fuck about you.
But I'd like for you to still think I care. Better to keep you on my sidelines for the future. Don't you think?

I am over you. Or so I keep telling myself that. =/
Why did you have to blast into my life. Nudge, probe and delight me with such entertainment and happiness?
Urggg. I kind of broke the promise I made to you.
And at the moment I broke it, I felt like I lost a battle or killed someone.
But it's all good. Why can't you come fleeting back into my life and my days?
cuhs dayummm you are cute. ;]

Why are you tormenting me so?
I always look forward to my class because of you.
But I'm nothing to you.
And you're a little bit of something to me.

Stop lying. Stop trying. Stop crying. It's pointless.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! You're pissing me off so much.
I want to go to your house since I know you'd never expect me and throw up in your pool.
And steal your basketball and LOL.
That's mean. I'm kidding. Truth is I lahv yah.
I hate how you always accidently dial my number.
Then I go "Hello? hellooooo?! HEY! >:["
Then feel stupid and hang up.

Mysto

I miss Boston Market so much.

So today I got all wet and cold from the rain.
I'm so proud for not being late to Chemistry that much anymore.
In PE I played badminton with my boots on cuhs I had no time to change into shoes.
English is so boring and hard. Richmond always jabs my tummy really hard and it hurts. )=
Even if I bring him chocopie and am so nice to him. >:O
French is a horror. I hate French. So much.
I don't know anything at all. AT ALL.
I hate the rain. T___________T
Foods class was sad. I kept getting in trouble cuhs Mrs. Wellins won't let me sit next to John.
Ahaha. But he always tells me to come back and I copy his answers, but he doesn't know that. >:]
LMAO. He did something so funny today, but I can't say cuhs it's too embarrassing on his account. xD
Algebra 2 is a drag, but I'm just so glad that I'm not struggling in this chapter so far.

This Friday I went to Block with my bf and we snuck Subway as well as ourselves into New Moon.
AHAHA. Taylor Lautner's so hot. I'd lick chocolate off of that sexy body.
But I'm pretty shure his penis is small because OMG MY DAD BOUGHT ME AN IPOD CASE! SO HAPPY, but kind too late for it.
Anyways. As I was saying his dick is probably small cuhs on Google, it looked small.
No I am not a pervert there were just scandalous pictures of him online with his package lump showing under his pants.
LOL. I said it was small and Noel got mad at me. It's probably only like 5 inches. So puny.
Well, it doesn't matter, he's still hot. After the Block I went to Mia's but we couldn't get a ride to go to Brian's dinner until it was too late.
I ate a lot of crawfish and watched Mia hyperventilate while she was watching Monk.
And then later at night Mia was on the phone with Andrew while I was talking to John.
Then John was playing stupid counterstrike so while I waited I recorded my life stories onto Missy, Mia's ipod.
Then I accidently stepped on Mia's glasses and broke them. )=
Then I panicked and felt really bad and she taped it up.
Then Mia made me get her a alnket so I threw it, and it knocked my contacts case (medicine bottle with solution) onto Mia's bed and pillow.
Then I panicked and was like "MY CONTACTS MY CONTACTS" and looked for them on the bed only to realize they were in my eyes.
SO STUPID. Then Mia yelled at me for getting her bed wet.
And we watched UP. ANd she fell asleep and she snoress! But she won't believe me.
Then she recorded me snoring in the morning and I looked so ugly.




I'm so cold.

I'm scared of Chemistry.

janice: i cant finish this.
janice: :[
John: you wont
John: dont worry
John: so just give up

I saw a rainbow today (:

You say you still care for me. Uhh sureee...
Well do you still like me?
Are we still going to follow through with me moving in when I hit 18?
If not, please tell me.
Or maybe you already have, and I didn't fucking get it cuhs I'm fucking stupid.
I really hate this. It makes me so mad.

I just want to forget it and fucking leave you alone if you say you don't.
So fucking tell me.

It's SOOO FUCKING PERFECT. haha. SO SO SO very fucking PERfect.
for you.

I fucking give up. Fuck it. It's not like we're gonna ever have history.
Or still be fucking friends when I'm fucking 18.

I'm an idiot.

Life is so fucking bliss. As hell. I'm so happy.