If my voice could reach back to the past, I'd whisper in your ear, "Oh darling I wish you were here."

I've come a long way. I can't say I'm proud of myself, but I'm glad for making it through. There are times when I sit in class and my mind wanders off to past doings. You might catch me in class sighing deeply or zoned off to another place with a look of distress on my face. Whenever I think past to everything I've done during 2008, I want to hit myself or I just hum the thoughts away. I think I've become so pessimistic. I think it's all because of you. It's harsh to throw all the blame on you, but I still believe that it is you. This is why I ended up writing that essay on you being the one that changed my life. You have impacted me the most. You were the flicker of light I was running towards, but suddenly, something blew it off and I was alone in the dark for so long. I turned to so many things and people, so many substitutions to get you out of my mind and to heal my pain. It was one mistake after another and when I finally found something that made me happy, I ended up hurting him the way you hurt me. Now all I have left is his voice mails to listen to. I hurt him by making a bad decision. It's something I regret a lot. But this isn't about you. I'm so glad that I don't have you binding me down, keeping me away from everything. My life is set into motion. And I will live it without you.

I'm in California. How did I get here? I have no fucking clue. I was supposed to live in New York. The world was supposed to never change from the 1990's. I was supposed to remain a good student that did her homework everyday, who carried her pink backpack about school. Who had no care in the world. Who had friends. I owned my block. I fucking owned it. I could walk up the block to the liquor store and down the block to the bigger liquor store. I ate bagels on Saturday mornings. I caught fireflies on summer evenings. I made snow angels on winter mornings. I could run out of my house in the morning and look downward towards the bigger liquor store side and see Manhattan come alive. Everything I needed was on Woodside Avenue and everything I wanted was around it. I miss the youthfulness. I miss the days when Boston Market was genuine and tasted fucking bomb. I miss the pigeons. I miss gum patterns on the sidewalks and New York hot dogs made right on the streets. The subway was enthralling, the way the streets went by in a blur when I looked out the train windows. I miss racing on busy sidewalks with my childhood friend. I vaguely remember this scene when my mom walked me home from school on a rainy day. She let me stay outside and there was a water pipe with water (not sewer water or shit like that) flowing out. I was in my Winnie the Pooh boots and I splashed and splashed and splashed in the puddle that was formed by the pipe until I was soaked to the skin, and I went inside and got in trouble. I miss doing shit like that. I miss rollerblading and eating dumplings out with Hannah in my alley. I miss scootering and always falling and getting myself hurt. I miss running up the stairs to reach the apartments roof. I miss when we hung laundry out in lines like they do in Lady and the Tramp. No matter how fast the cars sped by, my life was content and slow. I look back to these days and I realize I have so many childhood memories that I have forgotten, and they rush back to my mind. And I want to cry because it's not there anymore and I have no one to share these with. I miss when I was all up for going out and running and having fun. Now I'm always buried inside my bed on my laptop. It's not the same anymore. I sometimes despise this techno century, but maybe we all just grew up...

I hate death and I wish I had someone to share my feelings on this with. Sometimes, not a lot, barely, but it still happens, I lie in bed and the thought of death creeps towards me. It grabs my throat and tighten it's grip and I am sucked in. I think of aging and my life going by and I'm wasting all of these Mondays and Tuesdays and Wednesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays. Age won't stop for me; won't wait until I catch up. I have so much yearnings for my future and I keep repeating them over and over. Keep replaying them in my head. I want so many things. I want to drive. I want to rush through streets at night with Hide and Seek playing to the max and escape the world for just a little bit; for the time the song plays. But no, daddy says I can't drive until I'm 18. I want a job. I want to learn how to manage a job and experience it so that I don't fuck up when I'm a part time worker in college, yet my dad won't let me. I want to go out. I want to have fun. I don' want my heads buried in studies. I want boyfriends. And guyfriends. And girlfriends. I want my own room and my own closet. I want my two different worlds to clash and combine to create this happier atmosphere. I want my mom. I hate for being so selfish and wanting so many things. I hate how I can't understand my dad. I wish my dad could have experienced the feeling of running barefoot on luscious grass, the feeling of the wind blowing through your hair as you're biking, the feeling of the cold asphalt on your back as you're lying in the streets in the middle of the night on empty streets, the feeling of busing aimlessly to no certain destination; the feeling of wilderness and freedom. If I were a guy you'd let me drive and have a girlfriend and allow me to have bad grades. You say I'm a girl and girls don't act that way. I've become so much more conservative. Stop trying to calm my soul. I don't belong sitting on chairs or being some girl. Yeah maybe I should have been born with a dick if you think I'm so crazy. I'm pretty shure mine would have been 10 inches anyways.

I'm never going to get married. It's going to be impossible for someone to fall in love with me. I always have this wish for this imperfect love. Playing video games together, rock-paper-scissoring to see who washes the dishes, playing the board games in a sun-filled room, studying together, making food together, arguing over stupid shit, sticky candy kisses, hugs from behind. Somebody that I could just sleep with. Clothes on and bodies close. Just sleeping together with nobody taking advantage of the other. To have someone that would be the last person I saw at night and the first person to see in the morning. I want to have an immature child play love that would shed no sad tears. I'm gonna die single and saggy boobed. )=




This is pretty long and pointless. Just getting sad feelings out.