mmwhatchusayy

Omfg. I don't remember anything that happened Tuesday-Thursday.
Besides Mia coming over and me watching Ponyo again.
That's pretty much it. I was fucking high this week. -___-
Well yesterday I went over to Arimi's house.
We ate pho and donuts the whole day and did absolutely nothing.
Sat around and watched movies. LMAO.
Ughhh. I'm so tired and lik asdfghjkl;.
It's still all about him. I can't stop thinking about him.
Him him him. GTFO. @___@ wahhh.
I shall blog later after my day is over or some shit.

I've been living in my pajama pants for 5 days.
I only took them off to shower and to wash them.
I finally took them off, but blehhh.
Ugh so tired! Slept past 2AM and got woken up at 7AM.
I'm gonna eat fuuuh for breakfast, lunh, and dinner today!
At my bf's place. ^____^<3
I was in the mood to like rant and vent and complain, but I'm not anymore after waht I wrote up there. I just like calmed down. o__o

My stomach pisses me off

Wow. Now he even haunts my dreams.
Fuck man. I love dreaming, and now he haunts it.
I don't even want to sleep anymore.
I can't escape this even for 7 hours.
I don't know if they're nightmares. No blood, no gore.
But the feelings are so bittersweet and it makes me feel fucking pathetic.
I haven't been eating lately. I used to eat SO much.
I don't know what happened.
I have shitloads of stress piled on top of each other.
Hopefully, my left eyeball doesn't explode as well.
I have to go to school in like an hour to pick up my packet.
I'm going in my pajama pants. This is how low I'm sinking.
I'm practically living in my pajama pants these days.
I feel so sick. Waaaaah. Shit, what the hell is wrong with me?
Weren't my blogs all happy and random crap besides the occasional Sk shet?
Let's see. I miss Sophia. D:

Why was it you? That fooled me, lied to me, and tore me apart?
Why couldn't it have been you that was the one in pain right now?
Karma's a bitch. She came knocking on my door this time.
Wait till she knocks on yours. I hope she gives you hell.

I held in my piss for 5 fucking hours.
I starved for over 10 fucking hours.
I feel alone. I feel fucking depressed.
I'm back where I started.
I don't know what I want.
I don't even know what to do.
I'm out of tears.
I miss my mom so fucking much.

The first thing I ate when I stepped into California?
In-N-Out.<3

Yayy(:

I've realized that buying stuff for myself makes me happy.
I shall by more stuff for myself. Yayyy. Teehee, spoil myself.
I'm multitasking right now.
Eating grapes, packing, blogging, AIM, and music.
Waiting for gf to get out of the damn shower.
My suitcase is too small for all of my clothes. :[
Today, I went to church, and I really liked it. I swear, I love that church.
It's so warm and it's great to see all those people praising, truly with their hearts.
After church was FairOaks with my lobster and Sarah. SHOPPING!<33
I ate Popeye's today. So good. ^___^
After we got picked up, Sarah left, and Hanna and I walked around.
I got attacked by a massive amount of bugs. Shiet, dawg. >:O
I was a badass and got a large sweet tea cup, but filled it with Dr.Pepper instead at McD's and ran out.
We watched Adam at FairCity, which was a pretty cute/sad movie.
We could've sneaked into Time Traveler's Wife, but it was already too late.
Hanna threw a whole bunch of nerds down my shirt.
I just reached in and ate nerds outta my tank top throughout the movie.
Haha. I fucking love Swedish Fish.
I took out all my anger on them, they be so yummy and red! Uhmmm.
Yeah, I should really pack now. Eckk. >_________<

I make really good rice! :D I just realized that.

Currently

I've been down in the dumps.
I've been sick of everything besides cornbread and Arizona.
I've mistaken Staphylococcus aureus for pink eye this whole entire time.
I've been telling myself to get over it since I have no heart to break.
I've been calling my girliefrand to distract myself and to feel less like shit.
I've been crying. A lot.
I've been cold.
I've been hot.
I've been told I look like a devil.
I've had my hopes crushed.
I've been listening to random music.
I've felt disappointed and stupid.

Life is bliss. :D

I'm broken inside

And I have no idea where I'm heading right now.

1. Parents
I've been stuck in the past; rewinding life back to those days instead of pressing play and moving along. I never live in the present nowadays. I dig into the past and bury myself with memories. I run towards the future in hopes of a better life. I hate to live in the present. The present where I'm jailed in. Where I have no say. Gee, whatever happened to freedom of speech? That shit doesn't exist once I step into #70. I cry at my pitiful life. Wake up, piss, shower, school, tutor, home, eat, sleep. Weekends? Wake up, piss, shower, computer, piss, eat, sleep. My dad told me I'd die of a farking disease because I sat on my computer surfing the web everyday. What else is there to do when you jail me in from fresh air? Some days, I don't even step outside of the door. Because I can't. It's pathetic how on most weekends, I don't even get a breath of the outside air, so I have to open my window and gaze outside wishing I was anywhere else but home. Isn't home supposed to be a place filled with warmth and love? Home is supposed to be a welcoming place where you can be comfortable at. Why can't I feel happiness when I step inside my own place? Before, I'd never had thoughts of walking out, moving out, running far away from home. Now I do. I have those thoughts constantly in fact. They ask if I have any bad feelings towards them and asks if I want to say what's bothering me, that I should tell them. How can I when you think every word I speak is nonsense? It's not like I haven't tried or anything. You know what I want? I want to disappear out of your lives and leave some long letter saying how I feel. I think you two are full of complete blasphemy and bullshit. You guys are hypocrites who constantly contradict yourself. I know I've made mistakes while living with you guys, but seriously, stop getting so fucking ANAL. You always compare me to those goodygoody Asians and say everybody in my school studies and is smart besides the Mexicans. Racist bastards. Have you guys roamed through the hallways of BigfuckingBag High? It's not like I'm a pothead and a teenage mother. It's all part of being a teenager. I want to spend time with my friends more than you guys because my friends actualy care and listen. You guys force your opinions inside my brain. I don't know why you guys are being total pricks. Dearest Daddy, I love you.But most of the time, I can't stand your fucking shit. You're trying to gain full control of me and my life. I feel like a puppet.. -___- You expect me to go to tutor 5 days a week until I'm a senior just because you don't want me to stay home alone.I've been staying home alone ever since I was 7 for God's sake, but you probably don't know that because you were RARELY in my life. I manage fine staying home alone besides the time I burned the kitchen down. Is this about Steven Kang? I scoff. Even after tearing us apart and crushing my hopes and heart, you try harder. You don't have to refrain me from him. October 26th is fucking history. I think if you guys didn't try so hard to keep me away from him, I would have made smarter choices. And my stepmom. You are sooooo fucking annoying. I'm grateful you buy me shit, but I'd rather have you stop being such a bitch to me. =/ I mean you blamed your miscarraige on me. Unintentionlayy, but you still did it. It wasn't like I fucking pushed you to the floor like dad did to my mom. What the fuck. This leads to...
2. Siblings
Why the hell won't God grant me a sibling? Joseph would be turning 8 by now. And if my stepmom's baby had not died, ugh. So many possibilities. I've wanted a sibling since I was 3. Especially a little brother.<3 Okay this isn't even a rant.
3. Pink Eye
Why the hell did I have to get pink eye last minute? It hurts so much. Like someone shoved a carrot in my eye. ARGHH and it's all swollen up and asjdhajd. Hurts. I keep tearing up and I feel sick, and my eye got so sensitive to light. I really hope I'm not going blind. I HATE YOU PINK EYE. hate you so much. RAWRRR.
4. Popping "I Love You's"
I seriously get offended when people think I like love them when I don't. o___o I don't fall in love easily. When I was younger, I used to think infatuation and all that was "love". Nuhuh. I was wrong. I pop "I love you's" fairly often. I even said "I love you" to Jane's dad because saying it is such a habit. I'm a creep. I guess it's fucked up for me to say "I love you" in that little Korean voice of mine whenever I want food or something. Mainly I say it out of habit. My girliefrand told me yesterday/today that he noticed I say "I love you" a lot to people I'm not that close to, but once I really love them, I cut it down. It is insanely hard of me to love a guy as a guy and not a friend. I was so offended, I got majorly anal and ranted about this to gf about it. Haha.
5. Guys in general
Why the hell are you guys all fucking animals? Do you not understand that girls are overly sensetive bitchy creatures not counting the prostitutes? Heck, I bet even prostitutes get their feelings hurt by guys from time to time. Why the hell are you guys always such horny bastards that manipulate the girl's feelings to get what you guys want? You guys should all get fucked up the ass and get herpes and get run over by a flaming truck. RAWRRR. RAWRR. Fucking jerks. Always screwing over girls. I don't know how many girls suffer and stress themselves out over you guys. You think you're all superior because you have dicks and you don't bleed out of them? I mean, we could just cut off your balls or blend your dick in a smoothie maker, we're just too nice to. Or maybe I'm just brutally violent. Maybe it's karma. It's always me chasing after him or him chasing me. Maybe it's just me, but we take advantage or we don't treat the one chasing us as well as they should be treated. We always pour love and devotion to the upper man. I don't know, but I wish I'd find a guy who'd have the exact equal amount of love towards me as I do to him. Balanced; equal. Ahhh close to perfect.
6. Other
I don't know what else. I'm so tired right now. I wish that I could do something about my life. I hate leaving my mom alone, but I know I can't leave California behind. My education thingy would be fucked up. I haven't even learnt Civics yet, so I can't do anything about that. I hate how when I typ my pinky like goes crooked. My dog is such a bitch. >:O Rawrrr. I hate it when my mom talks on the phone and drives at the same time. I'm really scared like she'll crash. OMFG I drive like a prodigy. I can talk on the phone and drive at the same time. :D I wish my parents would start giving me allowance again. Hopefully I'm also not grounded once I'm back home. I mean they just don't want me around guys. O___O I don't think I'd get a boyfriend in highschool for a really long time. I don't even know about me and my soontobeexbfmaybemaybenot. I don't even know if we even already broke up because I'm slow as hell. I don't think he likes me anymore. Wahhwahhh. )= Ughh I'm hyper right now I just finished watching Ponyo. So cuteeee.<3>:O I like music. I feel sick again. I'm so fatttt. My tummy got fatter throughout summer. My left eye itches, but I'm scared if i scratch it, I'll get pink eye on that one too. Rawrr are you back from the gym yet becuase I want to call you. >:[ STOP WORKING OUT SO MUCH. WTF. Makes me feel fatter. It's so hot. Hot hot. I'm gonna be bored after I publish this. wtf. )=

I haven't cried this hard since 8 months ago.
It hurts so fucking much and I don't even know what to say to make him stay anymore.
Because everything I say comes out wrong.
And I'm hurting myself more and more with every word I type.
I'm not trying to be cliche, but it hurts so fucking much. Down to the core of my fucking heart.

I don't want to leave it all behind.

O8.O6.O9 ; O8.14.O9<3
So I don't forget.


Did you hear me when I whispered, "I wish you'd fall in love with me."?

Onion

My blog layout ran away so I'm stuck with this one. Hey, at least Jedd can comment on my posts now.

I'm so glad I met him. It's only been a little over a week and I'm liking him more and more. The tables have turned possibly; it's me that wants him more now. I liked the feeling of falling asleep on top of him and waking up to see his face. I liked eating noodles out of one bowl with him on my balcony like the true Asians we are. I liked holding his hand while we walked. I liked how he came at 3AM just to see me and stayed even when we had nothing to do. I liked how he blogged about me. He makes me smile so much, and I'm scared I'll lose it all completely when I go back. I haven't talked to him for over 48 hours and I'm already asdfghjkl; and missing him. D:

I saw Hanna today. It was enjoyable.<3>

Simple things

I've been living at Soo's house for like 3 days already. Finally got home.
We were lazy bums today. :D

It's such a nice warm feeling falling asleep with somebody you love/like. ^____^<3

I know you don't read my blogs, but if you happen to glance at this, I want you to know you make me happy and you give me hopes of a better future. I love you and I miss you quite terribly, even if I sound all anal on the phone. Truly.

Hmph. Rant rant rant.

You selfish, bitter, demanding, cameraslut. >:[
Hey you. This is a hate blog kinda thing. Okay? Read it.

Haha. I still love you even if you broke my heart. Naw. Literally shredded it to pieces. I feel worser than those girls who would have suffered my wrath. You know the whole, "that bitch should get herpes and genital warts and get run over by a truck, and still be alive so she could experience masses of pigeons shitting on her poor body." You get me? Of course I'll miss your 9 inched dick. And our sex position demonstration on your poorstuffed dog. Haha. I wish my phone wasn't broken because then you'd call me and yell at me for cheating on you and I could hear you complain to me all over again. Or have you tell me you stole a chicken leg this time. I know you crave for my attention, baby. (: Here's a full blog dedicated to you.
WAIT WTF?! My mom took 20$ from me to buy noodles. THAT I DON'T EVEN WANT. How unappetizing. And that was the money she gave to pay for my immensely hard work moving 230742 pounds of stuff up 2 flights of stairs. UGH. And now I have to go to CVS to buy some bobby pins and hair ties. I'm gonna try to convince my mom to buy me razors. Seriously, I haven't shaved in 2 month already. -_________- But know that I love you.<3>

Today's gonna be boring.

I have to pick up my dog today because I missed her fatass too much. I'm so fucking tired. I'm not even kidding.
PART 1
Yesterday, I woke up pretty early and watched Sky of Love with Arimi but I had to go to Jane's place.
I saw Jane! Aghhhh, I love her so much. She opens the door, I scream, "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFEEE?!" and she screams. Then when we get inside, she says, "You're still alive!" Wow. We play Rockband, I fail miserably, but hey! I thought I was pretty good for a person playing for the secondeth time. Then we walk walk walk through the forest to Annandale Terrace, and I see Mrs. Altenburger!<3 We walked back to Jane's casa, and looked at all my old letters I wrote to her. I was so lame and homo. >__________< Then we went to Old Country Buffet, and BoHyun couldn't come. My friiking Giraffe, Jane and I acted like such retards. We ate and we were trying tro gross out the Korean people on the table next to us. "I JUST FARTED" and "OH MY GOD I THINK I QUEEFED" then laughing real loud and obnoxiously. AFter, we did the icecream challenge. On our chocolate/vanilla icecream, we put corn, beef gravy, spaghetti sauce, some crunchy shit, nacho cheese, beans, some huge ass prune, and some other crap. It looked fucking disgusting. So we have to eat it all, and the guys that sat in the table behing me were like "They're fucking eating that shit dawg!" We only ate 3 bites, and got sick. It was so fucking grossss. Then we were showing off Latania Shanaynay. I was waving him around, and the guys behind us were like "Oh shit is that a dildo?!" anddd "Baby got bick dick!" I think they thought we were retarded. When we left, they left too, and they like hinked and drove around the parking lot three times and then the black guy nodded his head at me. The shiz. Why do guys always nod their heads at me? Why can't they say "hi" or something. In school too. I walk past, my guy friend nods. So I nod back, but it doesn't feel cool at all, it feels lame. Anyhow, I came home then went with my momma to park her car and walked back jumping and singing "WHY CAN'T YOU SEEEEEEEE~ YOU BELONG WITH MEEEE~" at the top of my lungs while spitting out grape seeds.
Part 2
I had to go to sleep at 12PM, but I couldn't sleep so I came out to the living room to finish Sky of Love. It was a cute movie. Hiro's kinda cute but his voice just kills it. Disgusting. D: At about 3AM, he tells me he can come to Annandale, and then in like another 5 minutes, he's already here while I'm trying to look for my shirt I lost. I still can't find it. I can't believe I took it off last night and it disappeared just like that. T___T It was raining outside and I had to like be uber quiet and sneak out. It was so scary outside. All dark and wet and strangers lurking about.And then yadayada then it was 6AM so we had to go. I suppose. I came home and fell asleep on the carpet. I'm gonna go back to sleep, shiz I'm so tired. But I'm happy. (:

Jane and my babies are sexy. Latania Shanaynay Pham and Tammy Denise Yang.<3

You...

were so unexpected; like some astray meteor fallen from the sky. Landed right smack in the center of my frozen heart. You're slowly melting my sadness away. I don't know you yet, but I'll let ME figure you out. As much as I'd like to turn around and run from all these small "obstacles"(nonamusingshitintheway), I'll let myself get hurt possibly, obtain happiness possibly, and gain a friend possibly so that I can get a glimpse of who you really are. You may fuck me over, and I won't blame anyone for that, but I'd like to put some faith in fate. You're a sweettalker. You're tall. You're deep and mildy perverted. You can make me smile, a lot. I still don't know much about you. Is there time? You tell me. I'd like to make at least a tiny impact in your life though; leave something (memories?) behind.

I have no idea what to write. I'm really out of it.

Anyways, I'm glad I met you.
We have the same burfdays. HIGHFIVE! ^___^
Coincidence? Maybe not.

P.S. I'm not too afraid of falling. I'm afraid you won't catch me once I hit the bottom.