I'm broken inside

And I have no idea where I'm heading right now.

1. Parents
I've been stuck in the past; rewinding life back to those days instead of pressing play and moving along. I never live in the present nowadays. I dig into the past and bury myself with memories. I run towards the future in hopes of a better life. I hate to live in the present. The present where I'm jailed in. Where I have no say. Gee, whatever happened to freedom of speech? That shit doesn't exist once I step into #70. I cry at my pitiful life. Wake up, piss, shower, school, tutor, home, eat, sleep. Weekends? Wake up, piss, shower, computer, piss, eat, sleep. My dad told me I'd die of a farking disease because I sat on my computer surfing the web everyday. What else is there to do when you jail me in from fresh air? Some days, I don't even step outside of the door. Because I can't. It's pathetic how on most weekends, I don't even get a breath of the outside air, so I have to open my window and gaze outside wishing I was anywhere else but home. Isn't home supposed to be a place filled with warmth and love? Home is supposed to be a welcoming place where you can be comfortable at. Why can't I feel happiness when I step inside my own place? Before, I'd never had thoughts of walking out, moving out, running far away from home. Now I do. I have those thoughts constantly in fact. They ask if I have any bad feelings towards them and asks if I want to say what's bothering me, that I should tell them. How can I when you think every word I speak is nonsense? It's not like I haven't tried or anything. You know what I want? I want to disappear out of your lives and leave some long letter saying how I feel. I think you two are full of complete blasphemy and bullshit. You guys are hypocrites who constantly contradict yourself. I know I've made mistakes while living with you guys, but seriously, stop getting so fucking ANAL. You always compare me to those goodygoody Asians and say everybody in my school studies and is smart besides the Mexicans. Racist bastards. Have you guys roamed through the hallways of BigfuckingBag High? It's not like I'm a pothead and a teenage mother. It's all part of being a teenager. I want to spend time with my friends more than you guys because my friends actualy care and listen. You guys force your opinions inside my brain. I don't know why you guys are being total pricks. Dearest Daddy, I love you.But most of the time, I can't stand your fucking shit. You're trying to gain full control of me and my life. I feel like a puppet.. -___- You expect me to go to tutor 5 days a week until I'm a senior just because you don't want me to stay home alone.I've been staying home alone ever since I was 7 for God's sake, but you probably don't know that because you were RARELY in my life. I manage fine staying home alone besides the time I burned the kitchen down. Is this about Steven Kang? I scoff. Even after tearing us apart and crushing my hopes and heart, you try harder. You don't have to refrain me from him. October 26th is fucking history. I think if you guys didn't try so hard to keep me away from him, I would have made smarter choices. And my stepmom. You are sooooo fucking annoying. I'm grateful you buy me shit, but I'd rather have you stop being such a bitch to me. =/ I mean you blamed your miscarraige on me. Unintentionlayy, but you still did it. It wasn't like I fucking pushed you to the floor like dad did to my mom. What the fuck. This leads to...
2. Siblings
Why the hell won't God grant me a sibling? Joseph would be turning 8 by now. And if my stepmom's baby had not died, ugh. So many possibilities. I've wanted a sibling since I was 3. Especially a little brother.<3 Okay this isn't even a rant.
3. Pink Eye
Why the hell did I have to get pink eye last minute? It hurts so much. Like someone shoved a carrot in my eye. ARGHH and it's all swollen up and asjdhajd. Hurts. I keep tearing up and I feel sick, and my eye got so sensitive to light. I really hope I'm not going blind. I HATE YOU PINK EYE. hate you so much. RAWRRR.
4. Popping "I Love You's"
I seriously get offended when people think I like love them when I don't. o___o I don't fall in love easily. When I was younger, I used to think infatuation and all that was "love". Nuhuh. I was wrong. I pop "I love you's" fairly often. I even said "I love you" to Jane's dad because saying it is such a habit. I'm a creep. I guess it's fucked up for me to say "I love you" in that little Korean voice of mine whenever I want food or something. Mainly I say it out of habit. My girliefrand told me yesterday/today that he noticed I say "I love you" a lot to people I'm not that close to, but once I really love them, I cut it down. It is insanely hard of me to love a guy as a guy and not a friend. I was so offended, I got majorly anal and ranted about this to gf about it. Haha.
5. Guys in general
Why the hell are you guys all fucking animals? Do you not understand that girls are overly sensetive bitchy creatures not counting the prostitutes? Heck, I bet even prostitutes get their feelings hurt by guys from time to time. Why the hell are you guys always such horny bastards that manipulate the girl's feelings to get what you guys want? You guys should all get fucked up the ass and get herpes and get run over by a flaming truck. RAWRRR. RAWRR. Fucking jerks. Always screwing over girls. I don't know how many girls suffer and stress themselves out over you guys. You think you're all superior because you have dicks and you don't bleed out of them? I mean, we could just cut off your balls or blend your dick in a smoothie maker, we're just too nice to. Or maybe I'm just brutally violent. Maybe it's karma. It's always me chasing after him or him chasing me. Maybe it's just me, but we take advantage or we don't treat the one chasing us as well as they should be treated. We always pour love and devotion to the upper man. I don't know, but I wish I'd find a guy who'd have the exact equal amount of love towards me as I do to him. Balanced; equal. Ahhh close to perfect.
6. Other
I don't know what else. I'm so tired right now. I wish that I could do something about my life. I hate leaving my mom alone, but I know I can't leave California behind. My education thingy would be fucked up. I haven't even learnt Civics yet, so I can't do anything about that. I hate how when I typ my pinky like goes crooked. My dog is such a bitch. >:O Rawrrr. I hate it when my mom talks on the phone and drives at the same time. I'm really scared like she'll crash. OMFG I drive like a prodigy. I can talk on the phone and drive at the same time. :D I wish my parents would start giving me allowance again. Hopefully I'm also not grounded once I'm back home. I mean they just don't want me around guys. O___O I don't think I'd get a boyfriend in highschool for a really long time. I don't even know about me and my soontobeexbfmaybemaybenot. I don't even know if we even already broke up because I'm slow as hell. I don't think he likes me anymore. Wahhwahhh. )= Ughh I'm hyper right now I just finished watching Ponyo. So cuteeee.<3>:O I like music. I feel sick again. I'm so fatttt. My tummy got fatter throughout summer. My left eye itches, but I'm scared if i scratch it, I'll get pink eye on that one too. Rawrr are you back from the gym yet becuase I want to call you. >:[ STOP WORKING OUT SO MUCH. WTF. Makes me feel fatter. It's so hot. Hot hot. I'm gonna be bored after I publish this. wtf. )=