you you you

I never knew you were such an important role.
And how much happiness you gave me.
And how when I couldn't hold on, you held it all in your hands to save me the suffering.
And I don't think you know this yet.
But I notice now, and I hope you do too.
Because now, I'm tripping balls and I'm such a mess.
Over little things, just because I don't revolve around you.
And now a ONE minute phone call can make my day 100xs better.
Since it's so rare and precious.
Your time is worth more than a "fuckload of diamonds".

But you decided to be here with me.
No coincidence, it was meant to be.
I'm soooo bored. I got bullied so much yesterday after school. )'=
Haha. Well, this is another iWISH iHOPE iTHINK iTALK blog.
I have to get ready for Arimi's birthday thing soon.

I feel as if the only thing that keeps me walking down the path of life is my hopes for the future.

I'm so glad we're still friends. It's kind of scary looking back and realizing there was a point when we liked each other so much. It was puppy love. (: It's so weird that you still have my notebook. GIVE IT BACK. ajhdsakd. I want to see what I wrote to you back in the days. LOL. I shall take it away from you when I come visit. I can't believe I walk past your house like so many times yet you never pop out and go "HI JANICE". Faggot, you're probaly sleeping whenever I pass by.

I feel a closure since I know I'm not in love with you anymore. I don't know if you'll ever read this, but I want to say thank you and say sorry. I can't be mad at you forever, and you can't be mad at me forever. I've let go of that anger a long time ago, but I feel that you're still hanging onto it. In fact, sometimes I feel you're building a huge wall of anger around you. I'm pretty sure you have a grudge against me. There's no point saying this to you, so might as well blog it out. It took me well over 6 months, but I feel so free now, and I think it's time you let go, too. I honestly don't think you're over any of it yet. It'll be better if you do, I promise. I still want to be friends because we were close, but I'm disappointed you were only close to me because you had feelings for me. I honestly trusted you and you broke that trust, but I still gave you my trust. I trusted you until the end, I trusted you with my feelings, my heart, my soul, and my future. You shattered all of them besides my heart. I'm glad my heart stayed. It still has a crack in it though, and that's your impact. I believe I am the person I am today because of you. I became pessimistic, but that;s okay. I was mad for a time because I hated what I had become. I still kind of do. I wish I could change ack to what I was before you. But. I learned from you and us. I don't regret us happening. You taught me commitment. For a long time I wanted commitment with only you, and I'm pretty sure I hurt some people because of that. I thought you knew me, but you don't. I don't even know who you are outside and inside. That makes me sad. =/ I let go of you. I won't try to mend anything broken between us. You're not the person that pops into mind anymore. You were before, but now I have someone else that comes to mind from time to time. That's good enough for me. I hurt someone a lot because you were the first thing, but not anymore. I've finally hit the play button.

You kind of helped me get over that guy up there. ^^^ But instead, you gave me your pain to get over. I'm over it. It took me about... 2 and a half weeks to get over it. I think I was so caught up with you and your actions that I didn't see who you were. Now I do, and I believe someday a girl will walk in your life and have you whipped and change you for the better. Good luck with that. I actually enjoyed the time I had with you. It was nice. I got a glimpse of a stable relationship. I was happy in the moment, but because of you tugging at my heart, I hurt someone. I was stupid because he's right, I did have someone who cared about me so much back at home. I think because I accepted you, he doesn't care about me as much anymore. >__<>

You. I still need some room for you. At the moment, I'm utterly confused about us. What am I to you? Am I even important? I'm so confused with what's been happening these past weeks. I guess I throw fits and make it a big deal, but I just want it to be back to normal again. That's all. Like the late night phone calls. I admit, I probably miss that the most. Haha. RIght now I think you think I'm a bad person. I guess I am after guy #2. I was heartless for a while. And I gained a lot of love back because of you. I didn't know at the time, but I can imagine you helped mend my cracked heart a lot. So that only one remained instead of a hundred. But what have I done for you? I wish I made you happy for a while. Or that I still do somehow. Because despite all this confusion and hurt, you make me happy with little things. Like just calling me "babe" still gives me hopeless hope. I admit, your face is the one I look for now in the immense crowd. And now that it is, I'm down to my lowest point. It was you that liked me more, cared more, and I didn't acknowledge that, but now I do. Because it's me down here now. But I don't care. I wish one day there will be a chance that we become equal. If you allow it. Honestly, right now I'm not willing to let go like I did for the others. Because you weren't/aren't a puppylove. You didn't continue giving me sorrow after sorrow. I used to smile a lot when I talked to you. (: And you would never be like guy #3. I know it. You're nowhere near perfect. And I love imperfections. You're nowhere near full maturity although you can be serious from time to time. But I love youthfulness. You hate corny. I AM the queen of corn. I know you can't hang on anymore. Or was that an assumption? You hate assumptions. I still think your babo. You know babo is boba backwards. I'm so smart. (: What the hell am I saying. haha. :D Ohmygosh look at how many smiley faces I used talking about you. Lemme close saying this: When I talked to you until the birds started singing and night turned to morning, that's when I realized, "OH DAYUMM HE'S AMAZING". Haha. What the heck. How did your paragraph become so long? >___<

I have a wish that I will oneday find that imperfect relationship. Not the kind of imperfectness I had with guy #2 filled with hurt and lies, but a happy imperfectness.
Like playing rock, paper, scissors to see who washes the dishes that day.
Like playing video games with each other on weekends and playing board games on the floor on a sunny day.
Like texting each other when we're an inch away from each other.
Like sticky candy kisses.
Like cuddling and tickling each other.
Like watching kiddy movies in bed.
Like singing together at the top of our lungs.
Like attempting to cook food together.
Like being the last thing he sees before his eyes close and being the first thing he sees in the morning.
And the one he kisses even if you both have morning breath.
My kind of love.♥

So, who would hold you whenever you cry? Who would make you smile?
You'd just leave that to me. I want you to leave that to me.
When you're insecure, who would let you know that you're the most beautiful?
Baby, just leave that to me. I want you to leave that to me.
From the compliments to the arguments, there's nothing we won't go through.
I would lead for us, I don't care about the rest as long as we're together.
I want to be the girl that you brag about telling all your friends, "She's so good to me, yeah she's so good to me".
And my family will be asking me if I'm truly ready and I'll tell them, "You're so good to me, you are so good to me".
You're my final destination and I'm about to settle down.
Cuhs I found what I was looking for; never gonna let him go.
No questions, you're my only remedy.
Cuhs you make me stay. You make me stay forever.
Cuhs what I feel is deeper then all that I've ever known, all that I've ever felt before.
I'm where the grass is greener, it snows where the sun is stronger.
I'm right where I want to be-right outside your front door.
You're my final destination<3

Wowzers

My week started off to a bad start. Haha.
I hope it gets better by Thursday.
I know it'll get better by Friday fershure! (':
I walked like 230802 miles today and it was so hot!
I bought like a large milk tea and drank it all in 10 seconds.
Madelaine: Woah she finished it all already!
LOVELOVELOVE MILKTEA W/ BOBA.
It's my new obsession.
I think my life will get better once my ____ starts hurting.
Fill in the blanks yourself. (;
UGHHHH it's so fucking hot.
Me and Sam have the same shoe;same shoesize. ^___^
ARGHHH. If it's hot tomorrow, I'm gonna cut someone. >:O

I'm completely unsatisfied. I can't focus.
It's like I look for you in the massive crowd, but you're not there.
It spirals downwards. And I'll eventually fall.
I can't keep hanging on.
I can't keep trying for something that will leave me with nothing.

I'm hopeless, baby.
Help me, baby.
Give me a sign.

Lalala

I had so much yesterday playing asketall with my baby cousin.
Like playing w/ him is so enjoyable.
I can be myself w/out worrying how stupid I am and how bad I am at bball.
I was like "what bitch what?! my ball!"
Everytime he stole it from me, I'd kick it as far as I could so he'd go get it. >:]
It was fun. I should go to his house every Friday night lol.
And we jogged. Well to me it's jogging but to him it's "you jog at my walking speed".
Freaking hoe. I'd kick his ass if I wasn't so nice.
I came home and Jay came over so I could help him w/ Geo.

I slept past 4 am. I was really happy last night/today morning though.
I got my mind off and got to conversate about so many different topics.
I'm grateful. I also watched My Sassy Girl for the 2873th time.<3

Now I'm getting ready for LA w/ Graciepoo.
I'm gonna go eat a chicken burrito now!

Rant

Well I fucking walked home and barely got home @ 8. Shit.
And now I feel as if I'm gonna have massive bloody explosive diarrhea any minute.
My head hurts. :[ My dad's home right now.
I am so unhappy, I do not feel like a fucking burrito and that's pissing me off. >:[
Thought I was on a roll? This is what I call a roll. VVV
Who the fuck do you think you are? Really. You think you're the fucking shit?
I give up. I don't want to try. This is exactly why I like to be on the top not bottom.
Because the ones on the bottom of the food chain gets eaten first right?
Fuck it. I won't allow myself to do it, and I won't allow you either. Ever.
It's not worth it. LOL. And I know it's not. xD HAHA. Cough.
I feel better now actually. I pity you really.
So walk away, move on. Live your life.You and I aren't on the same path.
I'll sit here where the road splits and watch you walk ahead.
Maybe you'll come back searching for me, but by that time I'll be gone.
I'll probably feel a humongous loss. I'll be sad, but fuck, you don't deserve me at all right now.

boogah

Today is my happiest day of the week.
I feel like a freaking Yoshi burrito. It makes me feel good. Mmm burritos.
I'm not sure. I was just happy today. Idk about tomorrow.
I kind of want to give up now... but I'll just see along the road.
Well anyways I'm so happy wearing these shorts. I seriously feel like a burrito. WTF. o___o
I am procrastinating bigtime.
I'm just glad. When I got home, Sophia's letter was waiting for me. :O
Simple: "have a good day Janice! : ) love, Sophia"
Yes, I had a good day. Thanks you so much boo. I miss you, and I'll write back soon.<3>

Goodmorning<3

Well yesterday night/today morning I was on the phone with Eugene catching up with him and just talking.
Haha. We both grew up so much. It seems just yesterday he was teasing me making me cry. :']
WE FELL ASLEEP ON EACH OTHER. LOL. Like at the SAME exact time.
And then he texted me this morning saying he was sorry he fell asleep on me when I fell asleep on him first.
After, I kind of lied in bed. I didn't get up for like an hour. I cried shitloads.
I don't think he* understands how much he's hurt me. And how sdfghjkl I feel right now.
Like this pain. I don't even know how to fucking explain.
I guess because I never ever expected him to hurt me in my lifetime. So it hurts more.
Well I picked myself up after a while and called Woojin.
Freaking Woojin was sleeping when I called, and he was supposed to be MY alarm clock. He was supposed to e the one calling me to wake me up.
Have to head out to church soon. (:
Hopefully I feel better after I rant and stuff to Woojin and play on his iPhone.
Then I have to come home and do my AP Euro homework. >:[

My head hurts a shitload. =/

*note: I am not referring the "he" to Eugene. Haha.

I have never been this disappointed in my life.

I don't want to talk to anyone anymore.

I feel so stupid. Like wtf? I give you trust and you use it against me.

I am seriously foolish. I don't care if it was the truth on AIM or phone.

Because if it were to e on AIM, it'd mean losing you.

But if it was the truth on the phone, then it would have been you messed with my head, mind, heart, and whatever else I have left.

You were lying either way. You deliberately lied to me.

Your goal has been acheived, I am hurt more than you can ever imagine.

Hurt more than you would ever witness at this age.

Thank you. I feel so much smarter now. Next time, I'll know not to trust anyone.

Ever. What I said to Christina is true.

At them moment, my heart has frozen into a solid black stone.

I have no thought on fixing it. I wish you'd know what to do to fix it.

If not, I'll die like this. I know you won't though because it's been me trying so hard to fix something that was surreal.

I'm hurt and disappointed. Thanks for doing this while I was on my period. You chose the time well.

Fucking strike me when I'm weakest. SO I don't know anything else but to cry.

parttimelover;fulltimefriend♥

I have never blogged this much in a day before. Probably because I'm anxious. Mozilla is being gheyy so I'm on Safari. I am SO utterly CONFUSED. I really should be doing homework, but it's too hot for that. I wish I could be who I was a year ago. I hate how corrupted I am. o___o I'm so bad now. In a way. Not a bad person. In fact I wish I was how I was like in kindergarten. Innocent, charming, lovable as hell. I was like the sunshiney kid. Always smiling except something happened along my growing ages. It's like I've built a shell and live in it. Not allowing others to come in. What the fuck am I spewing. Okay. Uhhh, ugh. I am gonna go do my fucking homework. And then watch Mean Girls or White Chicks. =/ kjaskajsdlajihatethisflafjkajndkd.

i decided not to go to Knott's.

huggggerrrr

I feel miserable. But not that miserable, because I keep thinking "THIS IS NOT HAPPENING".
Which is what I want to believe. I feel fucking stupid.
Yeah I cry for no reason, but I don't think you label yourself as "nothing".
I think I'll wait. For a long time.
Because it's not just you as a guy, it's you as my friend.
And I care about my friends a lot. You can walk out as a guy, but don't leave as a friend. I beg you.
I fucking PRAYED to God. "Please God let him pick up let him pick up."
I care. I've cared. So I will stand. Sit. Lie down. Whatever and wait.
Today, I was thinking of staying in bed all day, but FUUUUCK whatever.
I have to g to Knott's and I wish I could call Sophia, but I feel so disarrayed and it's so hectic.
Shit, why now? sakdjakdj.
And I hope my dad gets better soon.

Fuck

I can't sleeeeep. And I have school tomorrow.
I got my period today, so I'm grouchy and in pain. Ughh. WHY TODAY?!
I miss my beta fishies. )=
I think I;m gonna go add my cousin on Myspace, because!
"Family matters." :D

Update

So I'm really tired right now. I'm exhausted!
Sunday, was uh A BLAST. Lol I'm kidding, that term is lame. It was okay.
I got to go to church, and I'm pretty happy about that. I hope to go every Sunday now.
I made Woojin come. And Hanna came too which was a nice surprise.
After, my daddy took all of us to the Block. I bought like stuff.
Haha. I couldn't get my Red Converse because I bought a hippo instead.
After I went to Grace's house and watched Ponyo.
We fell asleep past 2AM after harassing people by texting them gibberish.
I had the most fucking awesomest dream ever. It was like SO cool.
Like an action film, when I grow up, I should make it into a movie.
Today, I woke up like 9:33 then fell asleep again.
Woke up around 11, showered, andddd ate breakfast.
Then I made videos with Grace, and then went out to take pictures.
After, it got too hot so we came inside and I played Wii with Junha.
Then Grace got in trouble so I played Bust-A-Move on Junha's PS2.
I kept losing so out of frustration, I chose to play Rockband.
Grace came back and then played with us too. I'm SOOOO good at it.
LOL. The singing and guitar. AND, I'm hella good on the drums.
Just kidding. D: We played for like 2 hours.
AND THEEEN! We went to 24 hour fitness. Omgosh.
I haven't gotten this much exercise since like August 14. Sheesh.
I like went on the treadmill for 25 minutes and burned 116.8 calories.

MY DREAM WAS AWESOME.

It just feels right. You have that ONE person. Everybody does.
This ONE person, that walks in and out of your life.
The ONE you claim to be over, to have moved on from.
Then you go out to other people, but end up hurting them because this ONE is nailed inside your heart.
You experience and learn with other people, but in the end it's you and him/her that comes together.
It's just one of my theories. (; I have weird theories.


And in the moment, it feels so right to be wearing your gray shirt. How it hugs me so perfectly.


OMFG, I'm freaking cleaning out my closet. I fund 18 shirts&1 sweats I don't wear, and I'm not even through with my whole clothes yet.
I also have like 12 pairs of jeans I never wear because they're all flares, but nobody would buy them. >:[