Skylar Rose

That's what I want to name our daughter. If God ever gives me the chance to make it up.
You're right. You do know me most.

And I thought I was the one who was utterly clueless.
It's okay. I understand. I know how it feels.
It was me who has always been in your position before.
You don't know how I'm trying to keep my head in my studies.
How scary my parents are. How scared I am.
How afraid I was to talk to you online fearing that your parents would be there.
How guilty I felt sneaking calls. How stupid I was to even think I could escape your grasp.
I hate the way you trash talk about me to others. I'm that low to you.
I hate how hurtful your words may be. More hurtful than a punch to my face.
It makes me restless, melancholic, and crazy for hours. I keep saying they're words, but they're your words.
I hate being home. The bed, the sofa, Munchkin, the bathroom counter, my mirror. You're reflected off of everything.
I hate how I'm trapped, how stupid I was, how stupid I am.
I hate how I always chased after you and decided I wanted you to chase after me, and you turned around because you didn't want to run.
I hate the way you treat me. I'm not even a human being to you. I'm some dog.
How I'm never worth your time, how you never keep your words, how our pinky promise means nothing.
I tried to keep the tension in my house low; tried to keep my promise with my mom.
I didn't succeed in that, and only gained your hatred instead. I've lost everything.
I have nothing to lose and I'm trying so hard to gain my happiness back, but it's gone.
I'm scared to even post this because you'll give me back harsh feedback.
When you told me you would have done everything last month, that was a bluff.
I wanted you to come to school and be standing there by my locker.
I wanted you to be by the green gates at 6pm when I came back from tutor.
I got nothing but the wind and the sounds of trees rustling, people talking, life moving.
I give up. I do. I'm so sick and tired of all this going around in circles.
It's been this way ever since May of last year. I hate this feeling I get every time we're not connected.
I hate that you neglect the thought of us ever having something. More than something even.
Maybe it was my fantasies and wishes. I loved every single fucking moment of it though.
Is this God's idea of a punishment? He's doing a really good job of it.
No. I'm sorry God. I know you love me.
I'm sorry I threw away family, friends, and my life for him. I couldn't help it.
Remember I used to pray every night to you begging for forgiveness and asking you to let us be together.
I prayed to you telling you that I loved him. That I was stupid, but I loved him, and that I'd try to fix it.
I only fucked things up. What am I going to do with myself?
Now it's back to crying. I hate pitying myself. I hate this whole situation life traps me in.
I wish I had no worries like before. I hate the complications. I'm too dumb for this.
I'm back to being the pathetic obnoxious girl trying so hard to get something so out of reach.
I wish if I walked past, he'd fall right back in love again. That won't happen will it?
Like the time after our first super huge argument in June. It was all hell and the next day, I was safe and warm in his arms again? No it's not. I'm scared. The world is too big and too critical for me to face on my own.


And now nobody holds my hands or smiles for me anymore.