This is for you Mommy.

Mommy, I miss you. I miss God. I miss how I was a troublesome kid, yet pure at heart.
I miss how we could talk and bake cookies and tan in our backyard.
I miss dancing with you and singing with you and making shure you always ate dinner.
Are you eating dinner everynight, mom?
I pray to God asking him to watch over you and keep you safe and to make shure you were eating enough.
I wish we didn't have to live like this.
Haha. I remember how we used to fight over crabs everytime we had them for dinner. Ohmygiraffe!
I miss attempting to crack coconuts with hammers with you.
I miss almost burning the house down while trying to roast seaweed in the oven with you.
I miss how hard you tried to spoil me even if you weren't made up of money.
I love how you loved me the most out of everything in this whole world.
I love how you kept through. I love how you threw your life away to make mine better.
I love how instead of dying that Christmas Eve, you clung on to life as hard as you could because you heard me crying for you. I love that you're so petite yet you have great strength.
I'm sorry I caused so much tears, blood, and sweat to fall from you.
I wish I could just pour my heart out to you. Tell you everything. Bleeeh. FML for not being able to speak Korean well.
I'm sorry I chose to stay here with Dad. I'm sorry I chose to stay far from you.
I'm sorry I was so bad you had to send me here.
I scorned at my life back then. I thought it was so horrible.
But you always worked for me, you let me out, you let me come home after midnight, you let me have sleepovers, you told me bedtime stories, you shared your clothes with me.
I took advantage of it huh? I'm sorry I disappointed you so much that day.
I made you cry so much. I made you so sick. I filled you with pain and agony. I'm sorry.
But I have to tell you, I don't regret it. I wish to talk it with you and tell you about it.
You told me we should have no secrets. I've kept some from you because I was scared you'd be mad.
I know now I can tell you everything. You've always been on my side.
You still will be even if I massacre thousands of people.
I'm sorry I made you jealous. I'm sorry I loved somebody else more than you.
I hate how I spent 13 years of my life with you, and after 2 years, I don;t even know what you look like.
I hate how I ranted about you and talked bad about you to my friends. I guess I was immature.
And people may not know, and I may have forgotten myself, but I'm so darn religious.
I'm kind of scared the idea of God is slipping from my fingers. I'm trying so hard not to let it go.
You'll be so disappointed in me if you knew this.
I'm so scared I'm going to go to hell for what I've done in my life. The idea is so scary. I cry if I think of it.
I even told you about my fear of death and eternal life.
Is that wrong? It's overwhelming to think of forever and ever with no end.
See? I'm crying and trembling now juss thinking of a forever.
Sigh. I don't know what to do with life. I get so caught on everyday things.
Remember we made a bet. Whoever laughs or cries because of seeing one another will lose! :D
I won't lose to you. Teehee. I can't wait to see you.
I'm so thankful I actually have you in my life. Even if you're far away, and even if you separated from dad.
I feel bad for others who can;t have a mom to share happiness with you. I love you.<3