bigapple

3:23 pm

Only have 5 minutes of battery life left to spare on my laptop.
Well I already stopped by Vegas and shit, bought Seventeen, didn't get lost.
Now I'm on the plane heading to JFK, New York.
Ugh I'm so fucking tired. Gonna copy and paste this shit on my blog later.
It sucks cuhs I have NO SIGNAL WHATSOEVER up here. >:[
And I think I'm just gonna freeze in New York and Virginia.
AND I"M SCARED SHITLESS OF TURBULENCES.
Everytime there's a turbulence, it makes me pray to God.
LOL. Aww I didn;t even realize today was a Sunday. Missed church.
Hmm I get to se my momma again and hopefull a few of my childhood friends.
Fuuuuck, I'm gonna go nap. Bye. (:

I like you!<33


9:53 pm

Just called my gf and he's a fatass. Always the 2nd person I'll call when I get off planes.

NEW YORK HERE I COME!<33


11:34/1:34

You're quite charming, suprisingly.
And I think I miss you.

You will always be my lucky number 7.

If my voice could reach back to the past, I'd whisper in your ear, "Oh darling I wish you were here."

I've come a long way. I can't say I'm proud of myself, but I'm glad for making it through. There are times when I sit in class and my mind wanders off to past doings. You might catch me in class sighing deeply or zoned off to another place with a look of distress on my face. Whenever I think past to everything I've done during 2008, I want to hit myself or I just hum the thoughts away. I think I've become so pessimistic. I think it's all because of you. It's harsh to throw all the blame on you, but I still believe that it is you. This is why I ended up writing that essay on you being the one that changed my life. You have impacted me the most. You were the flicker of light I was running towards, but suddenly, something blew it off and I was alone in the dark for so long. I turned to so many things and people, so many substitutions to get you out of my mind and to heal my pain. It was one mistake after another and when I finally found something that made me happy, I ended up hurting him the way you hurt me. Now all I have left is his voice mails to listen to. I hurt him by making a bad decision. It's something I regret a lot. But this isn't about you. I'm so glad that I don't have you binding me down, keeping me away from everything. My life is set into motion. And I will live it without you.

I'm in California. How did I get here? I have no fucking clue. I was supposed to live in New York. The world was supposed to never change from the 1990's. I was supposed to remain a good student that did her homework everyday, who carried her pink backpack about school. Who had no care in the world. Who had friends. I owned my block. I fucking owned it. I could walk up the block to the liquor store and down the block to the bigger liquor store. I ate bagels on Saturday mornings. I caught fireflies on summer evenings. I made snow angels on winter mornings. I could run out of my house in the morning and look downward towards the bigger liquor store side and see Manhattan come alive. Everything I needed was on Woodside Avenue and everything I wanted was around it. I miss the youthfulness. I miss the days when Boston Market was genuine and tasted fucking bomb. I miss the pigeons. I miss gum patterns on the sidewalks and New York hot dogs made right on the streets. The subway was enthralling, the way the streets went by in a blur when I looked out the train windows. I miss racing on busy sidewalks with my childhood friend. I vaguely remember this scene when my mom walked me home from school on a rainy day. She let me stay outside and there was a water pipe with water (not sewer water or shit like that) flowing out. I was in my Winnie the Pooh boots and I splashed and splashed and splashed in the puddle that was formed by the pipe until I was soaked to the skin, and I went inside and got in trouble. I miss doing shit like that. I miss rollerblading and eating dumplings out with Hannah in my alley. I miss scootering and always falling and getting myself hurt. I miss running up the stairs to reach the apartments roof. I miss when we hung laundry out in lines like they do in Lady and the Tramp. No matter how fast the cars sped by, my life was content and slow. I look back to these days and I realize I have so many childhood memories that I have forgotten, and they rush back to my mind. And I want to cry because it's not there anymore and I have no one to share these with. I miss when I was all up for going out and running and having fun. Now I'm always buried inside my bed on my laptop. It's not the same anymore. I sometimes despise this techno century, but maybe we all just grew up...

I hate death and I wish I had someone to share my feelings on this with. Sometimes, not a lot, barely, but it still happens, I lie in bed and the thought of death creeps towards me. It grabs my throat and tighten it's grip and I am sucked in. I think of aging and my life going by and I'm wasting all of these Mondays and Tuesdays and Wednesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays. Age won't stop for me; won't wait until I catch up. I have so much yearnings for my future and I keep repeating them over and over. Keep replaying them in my head. I want so many things. I want to drive. I want to rush through streets at night with Hide and Seek playing to the max and escape the world for just a little bit; for the time the song plays. But no, daddy says I can't drive until I'm 18. I want a job. I want to learn how to manage a job and experience it so that I don't fuck up when I'm a part time worker in college, yet my dad won't let me. I want to go out. I want to have fun. I don' want my heads buried in studies. I want boyfriends. And guyfriends. And girlfriends. I want my own room and my own closet. I want my two different worlds to clash and combine to create this happier atmosphere. I want my mom. I hate for being so selfish and wanting so many things. I hate how I can't understand my dad. I wish my dad could have experienced the feeling of running barefoot on luscious grass, the feeling of the wind blowing through your hair as you're biking, the feeling of the cold asphalt on your back as you're lying in the streets in the middle of the night on empty streets, the feeling of busing aimlessly to no certain destination; the feeling of wilderness and freedom. If I were a guy you'd let me drive and have a girlfriend and allow me to have bad grades. You say I'm a girl and girls don't act that way. I've become so much more conservative. Stop trying to calm my soul. I don't belong sitting on chairs or being some girl. Yeah maybe I should have been born with a dick if you think I'm so crazy. I'm pretty shure mine would have been 10 inches anyways.

I'm never going to get married. It's going to be impossible for someone to fall in love with me. I always have this wish for this imperfect love. Playing video games together, rock-paper-scissoring to see who washes the dishes, playing the board games in a sun-filled room, studying together, making food together, arguing over stupid shit, sticky candy kisses, hugs from behind. Somebody that I could just sleep with. Clothes on and bodies close. Just sleeping together with nobody taking advantage of the other. To have someone that would be the last person I saw at night and the first person to see in the morning. I want to have an immature child play love that would shed no sad tears. I'm gonna die single and saggy boobed. )=




This is pretty long and pointless. Just getting sad feelings out.

FUUUUUUUU

You are very very cute, but so boring. )= I think I'm giving up until I turn 20. (;

Yesterday, I saw the sickest shit ever.
No not sick as in cool, but sick as in dayum nasty shit.
Enough to make me feel like my eyeballs pop out.
Steven K. asked me what was wrong.
And said this video would cheer me up.
I watched it and halfway through my jaw wouldnt shut.
My hands were covering my mouth and my eyes were like popping out.
Then I yell at him and say it didn't make me feel better.
And I was freaking out going ew ew ew ew ew.
Then he's all, "See? Different emotion than sadness."
Motherfucker. I should egg his house. UGHHHH. Thinking about it makes my skin crawl.
And after, he sent me a video of a man killing a rabbit. T_____T

I'm still pissed on how people can say things about blogs calling them one-sided.
Hello? My blog. My words. My thoughts.
It's not like I'm gonna write in the perspective of the reader's eyes.

I got so full off of noodles and hot choco.
Tiffany laughed at me cuhs I said choco and not cocoa. )=
I love love love that art store her brother took us.

I really really miss you. A lot.
I'd choose you over so many people.
No matter what your age, height, style, taste, and etc may be.
It'd be you. Besides my niece and my boo.
We never hang out. We never talk much anymore.
I shall sneak you over and you can sleep in my closet then come out at night.
Then we can make a blanket pillow fort and watch movies on my laptop.
Then next day, hit Ktown and the Block.
Teehee would be the best day ever.<3
Until that day, I'll wait. (:

OMGOSH SO COLDDD. I HATE YOU MOTHERFUCKKERRR. DIEEEEE.

Ahaha. I'm laughing so much because ahaha. Ahaha. I really don't care.
And I don't care who you like. And who you hate.
And whether you think I'm obnoxious and strange because, I really don't give a fuck about you.
But I'd like for you to still think I care. Better to keep you on my sidelines for the future. Don't you think?

I am over you. Or so I keep telling myself that. =/
Why did you have to blast into my life. Nudge, probe and delight me with such entertainment and happiness?
Urggg. I kind of broke the promise I made to you.
And at the moment I broke it, I felt like I lost a battle or killed someone.
But it's all good. Why can't you come fleeting back into my life and my days?
cuhs dayummm you are cute. ;]

Why are you tormenting me so?
I always look forward to my class because of you.
But I'm nothing to you.
And you're a little bit of something to me.

Stop lying. Stop trying. Stop crying. It's pointless.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! You're pissing me off so much.
I want to go to your house since I know you'd never expect me and throw up in your pool.
And steal your basketball and LOL.
That's mean. I'm kidding. Truth is I lahv yah.
I hate how you always accidently dial my number.
Then I go "Hello? hellooooo?! HEY! >:["
Then feel stupid and hang up.

Mysto

I miss Boston Market so much.

So today I got all wet and cold from the rain.
I'm so proud for not being late to Chemistry that much anymore.
In PE I played badminton with my boots on cuhs I had no time to change into shoes.
English is so boring and hard. Richmond always jabs my tummy really hard and it hurts. )=
Even if I bring him chocopie and am so nice to him. >:O
French is a horror. I hate French. So much.
I don't know anything at all. AT ALL.
I hate the rain. T___________T
Foods class was sad. I kept getting in trouble cuhs Mrs. Wellins won't let me sit next to John.
Ahaha. But he always tells me to come back and I copy his answers, but he doesn't know that. >:]
LMAO. He did something so funny today, but I can't say cuhs it's too embarrassing on his account. xD
Algebra 2 is a drag, but I'm just so glad that I'm not struggling in this chapter so far.

This Friday I went to Block with my bf and we snuck Subway as well as ourselves into New Moon.
AHAHA. Taylor Lautner's so hot. I'd lick chocolate off of that sexy body.
But I'm pretty shure his penis is small because OMG MY DAD BOUGHT ME AN IPOD CASE! SO HAPPY, but kind too late for it.
Anyways. As I was saying his dick is probably small cuhs on Google, it looked small.
No I am not a pervert there were just scandalous pictures of him online with his package lump showing under his pants.
LOL. I said it was small and Noel got mad at me. It's probably only like 5 inches. So puny.
Well, it doesn't matter, he's still hot. After the Block I went to Mia's but we couldn't get a ride to go to Brian's dinner until it was too late.
I ate a lot of crawfish and watched Mia hyperventilate while she was watching Monk.
And then later at night Mia was on the phone with Andrew while I was talking to John.
Then John was playing stupid counterstrike so while I waited I recorded my life stories onto Missy, Mia's ipod.
Then I accidently stepped on Mia's glasses and broke them. )=
Then I panicked and felt really bad and she taped it up.
Then Mia made me get her a alnket so I threw it, and it knocked my contacts case (medicine bottle with solution) onto Mia's bed and pillow.
Then I panicked and was like "MY CONTACTS MY CONTACTS" and looked for them on the bed only to realize they were in my eyes.
SO STUPID. Then Mia yelled at me for getting her bed wet.
And we watched UP. ANd she fell asleep and she snoress! But she won't believe me.
Then she recorded me snoring in the morning and I looked so ugly.




I'm so cold.

I'm scared of Chemistry.

janice: i cant finish this.
janice: :[
John: you wont
John: dont worry
John: so just give up

I saw a rainbow today (:

You say you still care for me. Uhh sureee...
Well do you still like me?
Are we still going to follow through with me moving in when I hit 18?
If not, please tell me.
Or maybe you already have, and I didn't fucking get it cuhs I'm fucking stupid.
I really hate this. It makes me so mad.

I just want to forget it and fucking leave you alone if you say you don't.
So fucking tell me.

It's SOOO FUCKING PERFECT. haha. SO SO SO very fucking PERfect.
for you.

I fucking give up. Fuck it. It's not like we're gonna ever have history.
Or still be fucking friends when I'm fucking 18.

I'm an idiot.

Life is so fucking bliss. As hell. I'm so happy.

I love everything about him.
His hair, his voice, his smile.
I can't take my eyes off of him.<3
YoseopYang. LOVE OF MY LIFEEEEE.

nolife.

I am so aggravated. I'm gonna have to offend little Janice of 7th grade, since I used to love Twilight in 2007.
But, seriously this crap is becoming surprisingly popular.
Maybe because of Taylour Lautner.
I personally wouldn't mind covering his sexy body with chocolate and licking it alllllll off. (;
UGHHH. Are people DUMB?
They're missing out on all these other books that aren't written by Mormans and isn't all sexist and has glittery vampires.
Like what the fuck? They glitter. -______________- They fucking glitter. Like fucking fairies.
I mean don't they know Mark Z. Danielewski?
How his classic House of Leaves become a part of your life.
How the story causes you to feel fear and this heaviness about your chest?
It's all about books that come into you.
And the masterpiece Rachel Cohn and David Levithan created for us.
Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List and Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist.
Simply beautiful. The movie can't even make up for the words in the pages.
I don't know why I'm ranting about books. I have no life

Currently am reading Anne Rice's trilogy of Sleeping Beauty w/ Noel.
I'm on the second book, Beauty's Punishment.
It's pretty pornographic. LOLLL. But it's fun to read with Noel. And it's really sad.
Like seriously, what happened to Alexi? How can Beauty just rebel like that and fuck Tristan?
Freaking niggerskank. ALEXIIII.

You gave me happiness from the simple things.
How when I was wearing you shorts you said it was my boyfriends.
It might have meant nothing to you when you said that, but it made me happy.
And that's what counts.
From Ponyo to sandwiches to pillows.
I hope there's more for us in the future.

Would we be best friends if I hadn't left?
I still think of you from time to time, but I'm pretty sure you have forgotten all about me.
Do you remember how you used to play Mario and I'd sit there watching you?
How we used to compete in who got higher on the swings?
How we'd race each other in busy sidewalks. How you'd always win?
How you had that nickname for me.
How you'd ALWAYS talk about bloody mary.
It traumatized me so much.
How we lived walking distance away from each other.
Do you remember? Because I do.
We're history, but we've been there since the beginning.

I miss you. I pray for you almost every night.
I pray that no harm comes your way.
I pray that you're always safe and that you're not as sick.
I pray that you eat enough.
I pray that you don't miss me that much.
I pray that something will allow us to be together again,
I wish you could move here. The my life would be complete.
Because you are the closest thing I have.
And the secrets I keep from you is to keep you from pain.
I love you a lot more than I can express.

You're such a faggot. I wish you'd just go away.
You're cruel and harsh.
You never felt bad when you said you did.
I know it. Fuck you.
Show some decency.

You've changed a lot.
I miss the old us.
You get drunk.
You lie about going to church.
You've fucked somebody elses bf.
You sneak around.
You party.
What happened to innocence?
Are you even nice anymore?
I hope you make better decisions in life.
But no matter what, I will never turn my back against you.

It's hard for me. Are you hurt? Do you just not care?
The only reason why I try so hard is because we've gone through so much.
I try because even though it's over, I want to be there.
How can all that hard work just shatter?
One day, you'll realize what I meant to you.

You confuse me a lot.
You're undeniably irresistible, yet I can't get close to you.
If I could have you, I'd have you in a heartbeat.
And maybe you could erase all our pain away.
Erase all our past.
Maybe you'd make the present day worth it enough for me to stay.
But you could never be mine. And I'll never stay grounded for you.
Our two different worlds make me feel so alone.

I dislike you at times.
I can never trust you, yet I hand it to you.
I give you chance after chance to prove to me that I can trust you.
But you never do that.
You don't even know that I don't appreciate some of your actions.
I hope you can learn your flaws yourself.

idwtdta

You only remained by my side because you liked me.
You didn't want to be close friends just for the sake of being friends.
You did it because you wanted to get close to me as a guy.
Why do I say this? Because once your feelings vanished, you merely walked out.
Did you ever care? I try so hard to not think of you anymore.
Usually I don't, but you're always in the corners of my mind.
I hate it. You treated me like fucking trash, and I let you.
I don't want to say this. I really don't. But, I miss you.
What you were to me before. And I miss what I was to you before.

EHGEEE

I don't know why but I had so much fun attempting to cook for Eddie.
It took a long ass time though cuhs he ran out of rice so we had to make it.
He said it was "aightt". Ahaha. I'm so honored.
My first time cooking for someone.

I feel really ad right now because I think there has been a misunderstanding.
I hope it gets fixed and I hope that those two can be happy.

teeheee. Just made myself chicken tortillas, but they kinda ripped, so I'm eating it like a sandwich.
Yum yum.

It's cold. I don't know what to blog about. Like, I feel like I can't go deep.
I want someone to talk to. About everything. With no humility or shame.

I can't sleep

I hate the huge gap between us.
And I can't come running back to you anymore.
And sometimes I think I should stop even trying to talk to you.
Because it's dry, dead, and all we seem to do is argue.
And I'm going to be yearning for the day when we'll be as we were before.
And I'll wait as long as it takes. Because even if I'm a bitch to you, I care.
And you know I do.
And even if you're an ass to me, I know you can't turn me away completely.
And I know you don't.

Yesterday

1. Was hot like a motherfucker.
2. Did random shit in Target w/ Princess Lisa
3. Ran my ass off to Angela's. Ran more than I run on the mile.
4. Watched Paranormal Activities
5. WAS SOOO NOT SCARED OF THE MOVIE! (stop BSing, Janice)
6. Got a dirty orgasm @ Jamba Juice.
7. Sat in the back of Angela's trunk for an hour.
8. Was too scared to close my closet door.

If I'm strong enough to pack up and move forward, why do I still linger?
What's so damn special about you? Only my inner self knows that, and she won't allow me to let go.
And it bothers me, cuhs outside, I don't see anything breathtaking or amazing.
Not even the slightest bit of humbleness. Only selfishness.
So I tried it out, and now I know, I think it wouldn't hurt you to move on.
GOD LET GO ALREADY. IT'S NOT GONNA BE A LOSS.
You should check yourself over and look at yourself before trying to point out all that makes me into myself.
You're an imperfect mess yourself.
No matter what my actions are, it doesn't change me as a person. Those who look at me differently aren't worth my time.
"No matter what happens those who love you will always be by your side, and those people are the people that matter."
It's not all about sacrifice. It's not all about giving.

And one day I'll fine MY Kiley.<3>

01. I want somebody who'd talk to me on the phone and listen to my voice and tell me stories.
02. Somebody who'd call just to say they missed me.
03. I want somebody to lie next to and cuddle with.
04. I want somebody who'd sweep me off my feet.
05. Somebody who'd kiss my left toe whenever I stubbed it.
06. Someone who'd sneak me a kiss when it seemed unexpected and catch me off guard.
07. Whose not scared to call my name and grab hold of my head and let our lips touch.
08. I want that person who would catch me before I even started falling.
09. A guy that'd trip me with his feet and make me fall in love.
10. A guy who'd take me on sushi dates and eat udong noodles with me.
11. A guy who'd walk with me when I was walking alone.
12. Who'd walk me from History to French.
13. Who'd come to my classroom after the last bell rang to come see me.
14. Who'd hold my hand and let our fingers intertwine.
15. A guy who knows I love hugs from behind and grab my waist while standing behind me.
16. Who'd juss give me hugs errtime, errday. Who'd juss calm my addiction of kissing by kissing me.
17. This one of a kind person that would make me sit down in amazement and be able to keep me down; be able to receive my love, gain my trust, earn my respect.
18. Who would sing with me and make fun of me and hold me when I'm scared.
19. Who'd buy me cookies and chocolate milk.
20. Somebody who'd ask me the randomest questions and open up to me.
21. A guy who would construct a time machine out of a cardboard box with me.
22. A guy that'd let me call him mine.
23. A guy who'd call me his baby.
24. A guy who'd take pictures with me and write me sweet notes.
25. A guy not afraid to be in a serious relationship with me.
26. A guy who'd still be my close friend after we drifted apart.
27. A guy who wouldn't bind me down or call me names.
28. A guy who'd put up with my bladder problems and listen to all my, "I have to pee!" complaints without getting annoyed.
29. A guy who'd come running up to me screaming "JANICE, I LOVE YOU!" at the top of his lungs.
30. Somebody who'd scratch beneath my surface and figure out who I am.
31. Somebody who'd still love me even with my ugly past looming behind us.
32. Somebody who'd stay up all night on the phone with me and in the morning tell me that my snoring is cute when I don't even snore. ^___^ 33. Who would accept my flaws and make me their number one.
34. A guy who'd go through my bitch fits and help me calm down.
35. Who would listen to my rants on PMS, French people, running, seagulls, and my appearance.
36. A guy who'd chase after me when I walked away; held me tight when I pushed him away.
37. Who'd buy me a single rose when I was to be having a bad day.
38. Who'd share his food with me.
39. A guy that would say he loves me and mean it. A guy who'd say it to only me. Cuhs I'm selfish and I'd want to sink into his love.
40. A guy that would do all of the above.

1O.O9.O9 ; BEST DAY EVER<3
no explanation needed.

I kind of liked you better in sweats.

I love my daddy!
Dad: -hands cup- Drink it.
Janice: What is it dad? o__o
Dad: Just drink it.
Janice: Is it yucky stuff? OH! Is it medicine?
Dad: Shut up and drink it. -slams door-
Janice: -drinks- :O -eyes get wide. DR. PEPPER!<3333
I have a hugeee bottle of it. Now I'm s happy. (:

IM SO SOREEE. )=

I feel completed, and I'm happy.
I think I'm over the whole self conflict and issues with him.
I'm so happy!
I had so much fun today, :D
I really enjoy hanging out with Sandy.
We do the most randomest shit ever.
Like lying on the middle of sidewalks and acting creepy.
I love how when I talk to her, there's no pauses.
We bounce and glide from subject to subject.
Thanks to her, I remembered a lot of childhood memories I haven't really shared with others.
And I ate her nachos. >:] muahaha.
We talked for like 3 hours. Until 11!
Then Gilbert walked me home cuhs he loves me. (:
I got home at 12:45. And got in trouble so I can't go anywhere tomorrow.

The only bad thing today was me getting my left ear almost burned off, losing my sparkly green hair tie, running through mud and dropping my phone in it, and being scared shitless in the dark with Sandy. All the good/happy stuff made up for it.

After a good 20 minutes of when I got home, I discovered a small package on my bedroom chair.
The CD you burned me w/ a letter, I feel as if it concludes my day.
It ends my day, and I can go to sleep smiling.

Thank you, today.

you you you

I never knew you were such an important role.
And how much happiness you gave me.
And how when I couldn't hold on, you held it all in your hands to save me the suffering.
And I don't think you know this yet.
But I notice now, and I hope you do too.
Because now, I'm tripping balls and I'm such a mess.
Over little things, just because I don't revolve around you.
And now a ONE minute phone call can make my day 100xs better.
Since it's so rare and precious.
Your time is worth more than a "fuckload of diamonds".

But you decided to be here with me.
No coincidence, it was meant to be.
I'm soooo bored. I got bullied so much yesterday after school. )'=
Haha. Well, this is another iWISH iHOPE iTHINK iTALK blog.
I have to get ready for Arimi's birthday thing soon.

I feel as if the only thing that keeps me walking down the path of life is my hopes for the future.

I'm so glad we're still friends. It's kind of scary looking back and realizing there was a point when we liked each other so much. It was puppy love. (: It's so weird that you still have my notebook. GIVE IT BACK. ajhdsakd. I want to see what I wrote to you back in the days. LOL. I shall take it away from you when I come visit. I can't believe I walk past your house like so many times yet you never pop out and go "HI JANICE". Faggot, you're probaly sleeping whenever I pass by.

I feel a closure since I know I'm not in love with you anymore. I don't know if you'll ever read this, but I want to say thank you and say sorry. I can't be mad at you forever, and you can't be mad at me forever. I've let go of that anger a long time ago, but I feel that you're still hanging onto it. In fact, sometimes I feel you're building a huge wall of anger around you. I'm pretty sure you have a grudge against me. There's no point saying this to you, so might as well blog it out. It took me well over 6 months, but I feel so free now, and I think it's time you let go, too. I honestly don't think you're over any of it yet. It'll be better if you do, I promise. I still want to be friends because we were close, but I'm disappointed you were only close to me because you had feelings for me. I honestly trusted you and you broke that trust, but I still gave you my trust. I trusted you until the end, I trusted you with my feelings, my heart, my soul, and my future. You shattered all of them besides my heart. I'm glad my heart stayed. It still has a crack in it though, and that's your impact. I believe I am the person I am today because of you. I became pessimistic, but that;s okay. I was mad for a time because I hated what I had become. I still kind of do. I wish I could change ack to what I was before you. But. I learned from you and us. I don't regret us happening. You taught me commitment. For a long time I wanted commitment with only you, and I'm pretty sure I hurt some people because of that. I thought you knew me, but you don't. I don't even know who you are outside and inside. That makes me sad. =/ I let go of you. I won't try to mend anything broken between us. You're not the person that pops into mind anymore. You were before, but now I have someone else that comes to mind from time to time. That's good enough for me. I hurt someone a lot because you were the first thing, but not anymore. I've finally hit the play button.

You kind of helped me get over that guy up there. ^^^ But instead, you gave me your pain to get over. I'm over it. It took me about... 2 and a half weeks to get over it. I think I was so caught up with you and your actions that I didn't see who you were. Now I do, and I believe someday a girl will walk in your life and have you whipped and change you for the better. Good luck with that. I actually enjoyed the time I had with you. It was nice. I got a glimpse of a stable relationship. I was happy in the moment, but because of you tugging at my heart, I hurt someone. I was stupid because he's right, I did have someone who cared about me so much back at home. I think because I accepted you, he doesn't care about me as much anymore. >__<>

You. I still need some room for you. At the moment, I'm utterly confused about us. What am I to you? Am I even important? I'm so confused with what's been happening these past weeks. I guess I throw fits and make it a big deal, but I just want it to be back to normal again. That's all. Like the late night phone calls. I admit, I probably miss that the most. Haha. RIght now I think you think I'm a bad person. I guess I am after guy #2. I was heartless for a while. And I gained a lot of love back because of you. I didn't know at the time, but I can imagine you helped mend my cracked heart a lot. So that only one remained instead of a hundred. But what have I done for you? I wish I made you happy for a while. Or that I still do somehow. Because despite all this confusion and hurt, you make me happy with little things. Like just calling me "babe" still gives me hopeless hope. I admit, your face is the one I look for now in the immense crowd. And now that it is, I'm down to my lowest point. It was you that liked me more, cared more, and I didn't acknowledge that, but now I do. Because it's me down here now. But I don't care. I wish one day there will be a chance that we become equal. If you allow it. Honestly, right now I'm not willing to let go like I did for the others. Because you weren't/aren't a puppylove. You didn't continue giving me sorrow after sorrow. I used to smile a lot when I talked to you. (: And you would never be like guy #3. I know it. You're nowhere near perfect. And I love imperfections. You're nowhere near full maturity although you can be serious from time to time. But I love youthfulness. You hate corny. I AM the queen of corn. I know you can't hang on anymore. Or was that an assumption? You hate assumptions. I still think your babo. You know babo is boba backwards. I'm so smart. (: What the hell am I saying. haha. :D Ohmygosh look at how many smiley faces I used talking about you. Lemme close saying this: When I talked to you until the birds started singing and night turned to morning, that's when I realized, "OH DAYUMM HE'S AMAZING". Haha. What the heck. How did your paragraph become so long? >___<

I have a wish that I will oneday find that imperfect relationship. Not the kind of imperfectness I had with guy #2 filled with hurt and lies, but a happy imperfectness.
Like playing rock, paper, scissors to see who washes the dishes that day.
Like playing video games with each other on weekends and playing board games on the floor on a sunny day.
Like texting each other when we're an inch away from each other.
Like sticky candy kisses.
Like cuddling and tickling each other.
Like watching kiddy movies in bed.
Like singing together at the top of our lungs.
Like attempting to cook food together.
Like being the last thing he sees before his eyes close and being the first thing he sees in the morning.
And the one he kisses even if you both have morning breath.
My kind of love.♥

So, who would hold you whenever you cry? Who would make you smile?
You'd just leave that to me. I want you to leave that to me.
When you're insecure, who would let you know that you're the most beautiful?
Baby, just leave that to me. I want you to leave that to me.
From the compliments to the arguments, there's nothing we won't go through.
I would lead for us, I don't care about the rest as long as we're together.
I want to be the girl that you brag about telling all your friends, "She's so good to me, yeah she's so good to me".
And my family will be asking me if I'm truly ready and I'll tell them, "You're so good to me, you are so good to me".
You're my final destination and I'm about to settle down.
Cuhs I found what I was looking for; never gonna let him go.
No questions, you're my only remedy.
Cuhs you make me stay. You make me stay forever.
Cuhs what I feel is deeper then all that I've ever known, all that I've ever felt before.
I'm where the grass is greener, it snows where the sun is stronger.
I'm right where I want to be-right outside your front door.
You're my final destination<3

Wowzers

My week started off to a bad start. Haha.
I hope it gets better by Thursday.
I know it'll get better by Friday fershure! (':
I walked like 230802 miles today and it was so hot!
I bought like a large milk tea and drank it all in 10 seconds.
Madelaine: Woah she finished it all already!
LOVELOVELOVE MILKTEA W/ BOBA.
It's my new obsession.
I think my life will get better once my ____ starts hurting.
Fill in the blanks yourself. (;
UGHHHH it's so fucking hot.
Me and Sam have the same shoe;same shoesize. ^___^
ARGHHH. If it's hot tomorrow, I'm gonna cut someone. >:O

I'm completely unsatisfied. I can't focus.
It's like I look for you in the massive crowd, but you're not there.
It spirals downwards. And I'll eventually fall.
I can't keep hanging on.
I can't keep trying for something that will leave me with nothing.

I'm hopeless, baby.
Help me, baby.
Give me a sign.

Lalala

I had so much yesterday playing asketall with my baby cousin.
Like playing w/ him is so enjoyable.
I can be myself w/out worrying how stupid I am and how bad I am at bball.
I was like "what bitch what?! my ball!"
Everytime he stole it from me, I'd kick it as far as I could so he'd go get it. >:]
It was fun. I should go to his house every Friday night lol.
And we jogged. Well to me it's jogging but to him it's "you jog at my walking speed".
Freaking hoe. I'd kick his ass if I wasn't so nice.
I came home and Jay came over so I could help him w/ Geo.

I slept past 4 am. I was really happy last night/today morning though.
I got my mind off and got to conversate about so many different topics.
I'm grateful. I also watched My Sassy Girl for the 2873th time.<3

Now I'm getting ready for LA w/ Graciepoo.
I'm gonna go eat a chicken burrito now!

Rant

Well I fucking walked home and barely got home @ 8. Shit.
And now I feel as if I'm gonna have massive bloody explosive diarrhea any minute.
My head hurts. :[ My dad's home right now.
I am so unhappy, I do not feel like a fucking burrito and that's pissing me off. >:[
Thought I was on a roll? This is what I call a roll. VVV
Who the fuck do you think you are? Really. You think you're the fucking shit?
I give up. I don't want to try. This is exactly why I like to be on the top not bottom.
Because the ones on the bottom of the food chain gets eaten first right?
Fuck it. I won't allow myself to do it, and I won't allow you either. Ever.
It's not worth it. LOL. And I know it's not. xD HAHA. Cough.
I feel better now actually. I pity you really.
So walk away, move on. Live your life.You and I aren't on the same path.
I'll sit here where the road splits and watch you walk ahead.
Maybe you'll come back searching for me, but by that time I'll be gone.
I'll probably feel a humongous loss. I'll be sad, but fuck, you don't deserve me at all right now.

boogah

Today is my happiest day of the week.
I feel like a freaking Yoshi burrito. It makes me feel good. Mmm burritos.
I'm not sure. I was just happy today. Idk about tomorrow.
I kind of want to give up now... but I'll just see along the road.
Well anyways I'm so happy wearing these shorts. I seriously feel like a burrito. WTF. o___o
I am procrastinating bigtime.
I'm just glad. When I got home, Sophia's letter was waiting for me. :O
Simple: "have a good day Janice! : ) love, Sophia"
Yes, I had a good day. Thanks you so much boo. I miss you, and I'll write back soon.<3>

Goodmorning<3

Well yesterday night/today morning I was on the phone with Eugene catching up with him and just talking.
Haha. We both grew up so much. It seems just yesterday he was teasing me making me cry. :']
WE FELL ASLEEP ON EACH OTHER. LOL. Like at the SAME exact time.
And then he texted me this morning saying he was sorry he fell asleep on me when I fell asleep on him first.
After, I kind of lied in bed. I didn't get up for like an hour. I cried shitloads.
I don't think he* understands how much he's hurt me. And how sdfghjkl I feel right now.
Like this pain. I don't even know how to fucking explain.
I guess because I never ever expected him to hurt me in my lifetime. So it hurts more.
Well I picked myself up after a while and called Woojin.
Freaking Woojin was sleeping when I called, and he was supposed to be MY alarm clock. He was supposed to e the one calling me to wake me up.
Have to head out to church soon. (:
Hopefully I feel better after I rant and stuff to Woojin and play on his iPhone.
Then I have to come home and do my AP Euro homework. >:[

My head hurts a shitload. =/

*note: I am not referring the "he" to Eugene. Haha.

I have never been this disappointed in my life.

I don't want to talk to anyone anymore.

I feel so stupid. Like wtf? I give you trust and you use it against me.

I am seriously foolish. I don't care if it was the truth on AIM or phone.

Because if it were to e on AIM, it'd mean losing you.

But if it was the truth on the phone, then it would have been you messed with my head, mind, heart, and whatever else I have left.

You were lying either way. You deliberately lied to me.

Your goal has been acheived, I am hurt more than you can ever imagine.

Hurt more than you would ever witness at this age.

Thank you. I feel so much smarter now. Next time, I'll know not to trust anyone.

Ever. What I said to Christina is true.

At them moment, my heart has frozen into a solid black stone.

I have no thought on fixing it. I wish you'd know what to do to fix it.

If not, I'll die like this. I know you won't though because it's been me trying so hard to fix something that was surreal.

I'm hurt and disappointed. Thanks for doing this while I was on my period. You chose the time well.

Fucking strike me when I'm weakest. SO I don't know anything else but to cry.

parttimelover;fulltimefriend♥

I have never blogged this much in a day before. Probably because I'm anxious. Mozilla is being gheyy so I'm on Safari. I am SO utterly CONFUSED. I really should be doing homework, but it's too hot for that. I wish I could be who I was a year ago. I hate how corrupted I am. o___o I'm so bad now. In a way. Not a bad person. In fact I wish I was how I was like in kindergarten. Innocent, charming, lovable as hell. I was like the sunshiney kid. Always smiling except something happened along my growing ages. It's like I've built a shell and live in it. Not allowing others to come in. What the fuck am I spewing. Okay. Uhhh, ugh. I am gonna go do my fucking homework. And then watch Mean Girls or White Chicks. =/ kjaskajsdlajihatethisflafjkajndkd.

i decided not to go to Knott's.

huggggerrrr

I feel miserable. But not that miserable, because I keep thinking "THIS IS NOT HAPPENING".
Which is what I want to believe. I feel fucking stupid.
Yeah I cry for no reason, but I don't think you label yourself as "nothing".
I think I'll wait. For a long time.
Because it's not just you as a guy, it's you as my friend.
And I care about my friends a lot. You can walk out as a guy, but don't leave as a friend. I beg you.
I fucking PRAYED to God. "Please God let him pick up let him pick up."
I care. I've cared. So I will stand. Sit. Lie down. Whatever and wait.
Today, I was thinking of staying in bed all day, but FUUUUCK whatever.
I have to g to Knott's and I wish I could call Sophia, but I feel so disarrayed and it's so hectic.
Shit, why now? sakdjakdj.
And I hope my dad gets better soon.

Fuck

I can't sleeeeep. And I have school tomorrow.
I got my period today, so I'm grouchy and in pain. Ughh. WHY TODAY?!
I miss my beta fishies. )=
I think I;m gonna go add my cousin on Myspace, because!
"Family matters." :D

Update

So I'm really tired right now. I'm exhausted!
Sunday, was uh A BLAST. Lol I'm kidding, that term is lame. It was okay.
I got to go to church, and I'm pretty happy about that. I hope to go every Sunday now.
I made Woojin come. And Hanna came too which was a nice surprise.
After, my daddy took all of us to the Block. I bought like stuff.
Haha. I couldn't get my Red Converse because I bought a hippo instead.
After I went to Grace's house and watched Ponyo.
We fell asleep past 2AM after harassing people by texting them gibberish.
I had the most fucking awesomest dream ever. It was like SO cool.
Like an action film, when I grow up, I should make it into a movie.
Today, I woke up like 9:33 then fell asleep again.
Woke up around 11, showered, andddd ate breakfast.
Then I made videos with Grace, and then went out to take pictures.
After, it got too hot so we came inside and I played Wii with Junha.
Then Grace got in trouble so I played Bust-A-Move on Junha's PS2.
I kept losing so out of frustration, I chose to play Rockband.
Grace came back and then played with us too. I'm SOOOO good at it.
LOL. The singing and guitar. AND, I'm hella good on the drums.
Just kidding. D: We played for like 2 hours.
AND THEEEN! We went to 24 hour fitness. Omgosh.
I haven't gotten this much exercise since like August 14. Sheesh.
I like went on the treadmill for 25 minutes and burned 116.8 calories.

MY DREAM WAS AWESOME.

It just feels right. You have that ONE person. Everybody does.
This ONE person, that walks in and out of your life.
The ONE you claim to be over, to have moved on from.
Then you go out to other people, but end up hurting them because this ONE is nailed inside your heart.
You experience and learn with other people, but in the end it's you and him/her that comes together.
It's just one of my theories. (; I have weird theories.


And in the moment, it feels so right to be wearing your gray shirt. How it hugs me so perfectly.


OMFG, I'm freaking cleaning out my closet. I fund 18 shirts&1 sweats I don't wear, and I'm not even through with my whole clothes yet.
I also have like 12 pairs of jeans I never wear because they're all flares, but nobody would buy them. >:[

mmwhatchusayy

Omfg. I don't remember anything that happened Tuesday-Thursday.
Besides Mia coming over and me watching Ponyo again.
That's pretty much it. I was fucking high this week. -___-
Well yesterday I went over to Arimi's house.
We ate pho and donuts the whole day and did absolutely nothing.
Sat around and watched movies. LMAO.
Ughhh. I'm so tired and lik asdfghjkl;.
It's still all about him. I can't stop thinking about him.
Him him him. GTFO. @___@ wahhh.
I shall blog later after my day is over or some shit.

I've been living in my pajama pants for 5 days.
I only took them off to shower and to wash them.
I finally took them off, but blehhh.
Ugh so tired! Slept past 2AM and got woken up at 7AM.
I'm gonna eat fuuuh for breakfast, lunh, and dinner today!
At my bf's place. ^____^<3
I was in the mood to like rant and vent and complain, but I'm not anymore after waht I wrote up there. I just like calmed down. o__o

My stomach pisses me off

Wow. Now he even haunts my dreams.
Fuck man. I love dreaming, and now he haunts it.
I don't even want to sleep anymore.
I can't escape this even for 7 hours.
I don't know if they're nightmares. No blood, no gore.
But the feelings are so bittersweet and it makes me feel fucking pathetic.
I haven't been eating lately. I used to eat SO much.
I don't know what happened.
I have shitloads of stress piled on top of each other.
Hopefully, my left eyeball doesn't explode as well.
I have to go to school in like an hour to pick up my packet.
I'm going in my pajama pants. This is how low I'm sinking.
I'm practically living in my pajama pants these days.
I feel so sick. Waaaaah. Shit, what the hell is wrong with me?
Weren't my blogs all happy and random crap besides the occasional Sk shet?
Let's see. I miss Sophia. D:

Why was it you? That fooled me, lied to me, and tore me apart?
Why couldn't it have been you that was the one in pain right now?
Karma's a bitch. She came knocking on my door this time.
Wait till she knocks on yours. I hope she gives you hell.

I held in my piss for 5 fucking hours.
I starved for over 10 fucking hours.
I feel alone. I feel fucking depressed.
I'm back where I started.
I don't know what I want.
I don't even know what to do.
I'm out of tears.
I miss my mom so fucking much.

The first thing I ate when I stepped into California?
In-N-Out.<3

Yayy(:

I've realized that buying stuff for myself makes me happy.
I shall by more stuff for myself. Yayyy. Teehee, spoil myself.
I'm multitasking right now.
Eating grapes, packing, blogging, AIM, and music.
Waiting for gf to get out of the damn shower.
My suitcase is too small for all of my clothes. :[
Today, I went to church, and I really liked it. I swear, I love that church.
It's so warm and it's great to see all those people praising, truly with their hearts.
After church was FairOaks with my lobster and Sarah. SHOPPING!<33
I ate Popeye's today. So good. ^___^
After we got picked up, Sarah left, and Hanna and I walked around.
I got attacked by a massive amount of bugs. Shiet, dawg. >:O
I was a badass and got a large sweet tea cup, but filled it with Dr.Pepper instead at McD's and ran out.
We watched Adam at FairCity, which was a pretty cute/sad movie.
We could've sneaked into Time Traveler's Wife, but it was already too late.
Hanna threw a whole bunch of nerds down my shirt.
I just reached in and ate nerds outta my tank top throughout the movie.
Haha. I fucking love Swedish Fish.
I took out all my anger on them, they be so yummy and red! Uhmmm.
Yeah, I should really pack now. Eckk. >_________<

I make really good rice! :D I just realized that.

Currently

I've been down in the dumps.
I've been sick of everything besides cornbread and Arizona.
I've mistaken Staphylococcus aureus for pink eye this whole entire time.
I've been telling myself to get over it since I have no heart to break.
I've been calling my girliefrand to distract myself and to feel less like shit.
I've been crying. A lot.
I've been cold.
I've been hot.
I've been told I look like a devil.
I've had my hopes crushed.
I've been listening to random music.
I've felt disappointed and stupid.

Life is bliss. :D

I'm broken inside

And I have no idea where I'm heading right now.

1. Parents
I've been stuck in the past; rewinding life back to those days instead of pressing play and moving along. I never live in the present nowadays. I dig into the past and bury myself with memories. I run towards the future in hopes of a better life. I hate to live in the present. The present where I'm jailed in. Where I have no say. Gee, whatever happened to freedom of speech? That shit doesn't exist once I step into #70. I cry at my pitiful life. Wake up, piss, shower, school, tutor, home, eat, sleep. Weekends? Wake up, piss, shower, computer, piss, eat, sleep. My dad told me I'd die of a farking disease because I sat on my computer surfing the web everyday. What else is there to do when you jail me in from fresh air? Some days, I don't even step outside of the door. Because I can't. It's pathetic how on most weekends, I don't even get a breath of the outside air, so I have to open my window and gaze outside wishing I was anywhere else but home. Isn't home supposed to be a place filled with warmth and love? Home is supposed to be a welcoming place where you can be comfortable at. Why can't I feel happiness when I step inside my own place? Before, I'd never had thoughts of walking out, moving out, running far away from home. Now I do. I have those thoughts constantly in fact. They ask if I have any bad feelings towards them and asks if I want to say what's bothering me, that I should tell them. How can I when you think every word I speak is nonsense? It's not like I haven't tried or anything. You know what I want? I want to disappear out of your lives and leave some long letter saying how I feel. I think you two are full of complete blasphemy and bullshit. You guys are hypocrites who constantly contradict yourself. I know I've made mistakes while living with you guys, but seriously, stop getting so fucking ANAL. You always compare me to those goodygoody Asians and say everybody in my school studies and is smart besides the Mexicans. Racist bastards. Have you guys roamed through the hallways of BigfuckingBag High? It's not like I'm a pothead and a teenage mother. It's all part of being a teenager. I want to spend time with my friends more than you guys because my friends actualy care and listen. You guys force your opinions inside my brain. I don't know why you guys are being total pricks. Dearest Daddy, I love you.But most of the time, I can't stand your fucking shit. You're trying to gain full control of me and my life. I feel like a puppet.. -___- You expect me to go to tutor 5 days a week until I'm a senior just because you don't want me to stay home alone.I've been staying home alone ever since I was 7 for God's sake, but you probably don't know that because you were RARELY in my life. I manage fine staying home alone besides the time I burned the kitchen down. Is this about Steven Kang? I scoff. Even after tearing us apart and crushing my hopes and heart, you try harder. You don't have to refrain me from him. October 26th is fucking history. I think if you guys didn't try so hard to keep me away from him, I would have made smarter choices. And my stepmom. You are sooooo fucking annoying. I'm grateful you buy me shit, but I'd rather have you stop being such a bitch to me. =/ I mean you blamed your miscarraige on me. Unintentionlayy, but you still did it. It wasn't like I fucking pushed you to the floor like dad did to my mom. What the fuck. This leads to...
2. Siblings
Why the hell won't God grant me a sibling? Joseph would be turning 8 by now. And if my stepmom's baby had not died, ugh. So many possibilities. I've wanted a sibling since I was 3. Especially a little brother.<3 Okay this isn't even a rant.
3. Pink Eye
Why the hell did I have to get pink eye last minute? It hurts so much. Like someone shoved a carrot in my eye. ARGHH and it's all swollen up and asjdhajd. Hurts. I keep tearing up and I feel sick, and my eye got so sensitive to light. I really hope I'm not going blind. I HATE YOU PINK EYE. hate you so much. RAWRRR.
4. Popping "I Love You's"
I seriously get offended when people think I like love them when I don't. o___o I don't fall in love easily. When I was younger, I used to think infatuation and all that was "love". Nuhuh. I was wrong. I pop "I love you's" fairly often. I even said "I love you" to Jane's dad because saying it is such a habit. I'm a creep. I guess it's fucked up for me to say "I love you" in that little Korean voice of mine whenever I want food or something. Mainly I say it out of habit. My girliefrand told me yesterday/today that he noticed I say "I love you" a lot to people I'm not that close to, but once I really love them, I cut it down. It is insanely hard of me to love a guy as a guy and not a friend. I was so offended, I got majorly anal and ranted about this to gf about it. Haha.
5. Guys in general
Why the hell are you guys all fucking animals? Do you not understand that girls are overly sensetive bitchy creatures not counting the prostitutes? Heck, I bet even prostitutes get their feelings hurt by guys from time to time. Why the hell are you guys always such horny bastards that manipulate the girl's feelings to get what you guys want? You guys should all get fucked up the ass and get herpes and get run over by a flaming truck. RAWRRR. RAWRR. Fucking jerks. Always screwing over girls. I don't know how many girls suffer and stress themselves out over you guys. You think you're all superior because you have dicks and you don't bleed out of them? I mean, we could just cut off your balls or blend your dick in a smoothie maker, we're just too nice to. Or maybe I'm just brutally violent. Maybe it's karma. It's always me chasing after him or him chasing me. Maybe it's just me, but we take advantage or we don't treat the one chasing us as well as they should be treated. We always pour love and devotion to the upper man. I don't know, but I wish I'd find a guy who'd have the exact equal amount of love towards me as I do to him. Balanced; equal. Ahhh close to perfect.
6. Other
I don't know what else. I'm so tired right now. I wish that I could do something about my life. I hate leaving my mom alone, but I know I can't leave California behind. My education thingy would be fucked up. I haven't even learnt Civics yet, so I can't do anything about that. I hate how when I typ my pinky like goes crooked. My dog is such a bitch. >:O Rawrrr. I hate it when my mom talks on the phone and drives at the same time. I'm really scared like she'll crash. OMFG I drive like a prodigy. I can talk on the phone and drive at the same time. :D I wish my parents would start giving me allowance again. Hopefully I'm also not grounded once I'm back home. I mean they just don't want me around guys. O___O I don't think I'd get a boyfriend in highschool for a really long time. I don't even know about me and my soontobeexbfmaybemaybenot. I don't even know if we even already broke up because I'm slow as hell. I don't think he likes me anymore. Wahhwahhh. )= Ughh I'm hyper right now I just finished watching Ponyo. So cuteeee.<3>:O I like music. I feel sick again. I'm so fatttt. My tummy got fatter throughout summer. My left eye itches, but I'm scared if i scratch it, I'll get pink eye on that one too. Rawrr are you back from the gym yet becuase I want to call you. >:[ STOP WORKING OUT SO MUCH. WTF. Makes me feel fatter. It's so hot. Hot hot. I'm gonna be bored after I publish this. wtf. )=

I haven't cried this hard since 8 months ago.
It hurts so fucking much and I don't even know what to say to make him stay anymore.
Because everything I say comes out wrong.
And I'm hurting myself more and more with every word I type.
I'm not trying to be cliche, but it hurts so fucking much. Down to the core of my fucking heart.

I don't want to leave it all behind.

O8.O6.O9 ; O8.14.O9<3
So I don't forget.


Did you hear me when I whispered, "I wish you'd fall in love with me."?

Onion

My blog layout ran away so I'm stuck with this one. Hey, at least Jedd can comment on my posts now.

I'm so glad I met him. It's only been a little over a week and I'm liking him more and more. The tables have turned possibly; it's me that wants him more now. I liked the feeling of falling asleep on top of him and waking up to see his face. I liked eating noodles out of one bowl with him on my balcony like the true Asians we are. I liked holding his hand while we walked. I liked how he came at 3AM just to see me and stayed even when we had nothing to do. I liked how he blogged about me. He makes me smile so much, and I'm scared I'll lose it all completely when I go back. I haven't talked to him for over 48 hours and I'm already asdfghjkl; and missing him. D:

I saw Hanna today. It was enjoyable.<3>

Simple things

I've been living at Soo's house for like 3 days already. Finally got home.
We were lazy bums today. :D

It's such a nice warm feeling falling asleep with somebody you love/like. ^____^<3

I know you don't read my blogs, but if you happen to glance at this, I want you to know you make me happy and you give me hopes of a better future. I love you and I miss you quite terribly, even if I sound all anal on the phone. Truly.

Hmph. Rant rant rant.

You selfish, bitter, demanding, cameraslut. >:[
Hey you. This is a hate blog kinda thing. Okay? Read it.

Haha. I still love you even if you broke my heart. Naw. Literally shredded it to pieces. I feel worser than those girls who would have suffered my wrath. You know the whole, "that bitch should get herpes and genital warts and get run over by a truck, and still be alive so she could experience masses of pigeons shitting on her poor body." You get me? Of course I'll miss your 9 inched dick. And our sex position demonstration on your poorstuffed dog. Haha. I wish my phone wasn't broken because then you'd call me and yell at me for cheating on you and I could hear you complain to me all over again. Or have you tell me you stole a chicken leg this time. I know you crave for my attention, baby. (: Here's a full blog dedicated to you.
WAIT WTF?! My mom took 20$ from me to buy noodles. THAT I DON'T EVEN WANT. How unappetizing. And that was the money she gave to pay for my immensely hard work moving 230742 pounds of stuff up 2 flights of stairs. UGH. And now I have to go to CVS to buy some bobby pins and hair ties. I'm gonna try to convince my mom to buy me razors. Seriously, I haven't shaved in 2 month already. -_________- But know that I love you.<3>

Today's gonna be boring.

I have to pick up my dog today because I missed her fatass too much. I'm so fucking tired. I'm not even kidding.
PART 1
Yesterday, I woke up pretty early and watched Sky of Love with Arimi but I had to go to Jane's place.
I saw Jane! Aghhhh, I love her so much. She opens the door, I scream, "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFEEE?!" and she screams. Then when we get inside, she says, "You're still alive!" Wow. We play Rockband, I fail miserably, but hey! I thought I was pretty good for a person playing for the secondeth time. Then we walk walk walk through the forest to Annandale Terrace, and I see Mrs. Altenburger!<3 We walked back to Jane's casa, and looked at all my old letters I wrote to her. I was so lame and homo. >__________< Then we went to Old Country Buffet, and BoHyun couldn't come. My friiking Giraffe, Jane and I acted like such retards. We ate and we were trying tro gross out the Korean people on the table next to us. "I JUST FARTED" and "OH MY GOD I THINK I QUEEFED" then laughing real loud and obnoxiously. AFter, we did the icecream challenge. On our chocolate/vanilla icecream, we put corn, beef gravy, spaghetti sauce, some crunchy shit, nacho cheese, beans, some huge ass prune, and some other crap. It looked fucking disgusting. So we have to eat it all, and the guys that sat in the table behing me were like "They're fucking eating that shit dawg!" We only ate 3 bites, and got sick. It was so fucking grossss. Then we were showing off Latania Shanaynay. I was waving him around, and the guys behind us were like "Oh shit is that a dildo?!" anddd "Baby got bick dick!" I think they thought we were retarded. When we left, they left too, and they like hinked and drove around the parking lot three times and then the black guy nodded his head at me. The shiz. Why do guys always nod their heads at me? Why can't they say "hi" or something. In school too. I walk past, my guy friend nods. So I nod back, but it doesn't feel cool at all, it feels lame. Anyhow, I came home then went with my momma to park her car and walked back jumping and singing "WHY CAN'T YOU SEEEEEEEE~ YOU BELONG WITH MEEEE~" at the top of my lungs while spitting out grape seeds.
Part 2
I had to go to sleep at 12PM, but I couldn't sleep so I came out to the living room to finish Sky of Love. It was a cute movie. Hiro's kinda cute but his voice just kills it. Disgusting. D: At about 3AM, he tells me he can come to Annandale, and then in like another 5 minutes, he's already here while I'm trying to look for my shirt I lost. I still can't find it. I can't believe I took it off last night and it disappeared just like that. T___T It was raining outside and I had to like be uber quiet and sneak out. It was so scary outside. All dark and wet and strangers lurking about.And then yadayada then it was 6AM so we had to go. I suppose. I came home and fell asleep on the carpet. I'm gonna go back to sleep, shiz I'm so tired. But I'm happy. (:

Jane and my babies are sexy. Latania Shanaynay Pham and Tammy Denise Yang.<3

You...

were so unexpected; like some astray meteor fallen from the sky. Landed right smack in the center of my frozen heart. You're slowly melting my sadness away. I don't know you yet, but I'll let ME figure you out. As much as I'd like to turn around and run from all these small "obstacles"(nonamusingshitintheway), I'll let myself get hurt possibly, obtain happiness possibly, and gain a friend possibly so that I can get a glimpse of who you really are. You may fuck me over, and I won't blame anyone for that, but I'd like to put some faith in fate. You're a sweettalker. You're tall. You're deep and mildy perverted. You can make me smile, a lot. I still don't know much about you. Is there time? You tell me. I'd like to make at least a tiny impact in your life though; leave something (memories?) behind.

I have no idea what to write. I'm really out of it.

Anyways, I'm glad I met you.
We have the same burfdays. HIGHFIVE! ^___^
Coincidence? Maybe not.

P.S. I'm not too afraid of falling. I'm afraid you won't catch me once I hit the bottom.

Bored out of my mind.

I'm so tired. I woke up at 8 just so I could check up on Brian.
I hope I make him feel bad about it on Sunday. Just kidding.
I fell asleep at like 9:30 again and woke up at 4.
Mimi keeps throwing up because she stole my watermelon yesterday.
I haven't eaten the whole day, and it's 8 pm already.
MY LIFE IS SO BORING ATM. D:

Biffle

I found my long lost bestfriend yesterday. :D
I am gonna go stalk her often with my binoculars. >:]
We're going to have a reunion with our 4th grade teacher.<3
People are so fucking tall in Virginia.
Argh I can't wait to go to New York.
I'm so lazyyyyyyyyy. I'm supposed to go to the gym today. =/
So I can lose my thigh fat and my tummy fat.
I'd rather be fat and happy. )=

Simple at best.

It's like those once in a lifetime moments.
You fuck around with random strangers on Omegle dot com and end up talking to someone about your future, your fears, and life at the moment without even knowing their name. And then, one click of a button, and they're gone.
You sit there staring at the screen thinking of how hungry you are and decide to kill time playing games and reading articles.
Time passes. Birds start singing. Lightness creeps up slowly, and boom! Suddenly the sun's shining through the windows welcoming another day, except it still feels like yesterday.
Then your mom wakes up at 6AM to say goooodmoooorning, and you end up sitting around like lazy bums laughing at memories and silly things from the past and talking about your dad and her youth-hood.
Then you attempt to make a nice breakfast of sunny side eggs, but mess it up so bad, you have to flip it over so the fire can cook away the ugly imperfect mess of yellow yolk.
After feasting, you stumble to the sofa and fall asleep until 4PM.
AMEN.

No Title

I think I'll start to write bigger. It's more appealing.
It's 1:21AM and I swear to my toes that I am an insomniac.
My biff is being a total arsehole JERL. Go kick him.
YOU ARE A BAD BIFF. I miss you biff.

Janice: "haha. i trust steven. with my whole heart"

Janice: what is that? did you say those words were BLACK?!

Steven: nooo!

Steven: they're gold!

Steven: golden words

I have pimples all over my face. D:
I've never had this many pimples on my face all at once. FML.
Okay well, yesterday night was horrible. I laid there crying, unable to fall asleep.
Maybe this is why I hate sleeping so much now.
Because it makes me think of scary, sad, or unbearable thoughts. =/

Why won't you care? Listen? See me cry? Fuck.
I'm scared of commitment, but not with you.
I'm scared of commitment in fear of losing everything of you.
But I'm never afraid to commit to you. I devote.
I really hate myself for fucking things up. FUCKFUCKFUCK.
I just want to be a clamorous girl being all up in your face telling you, "Look at me."
I can't. I've already accepted you looking down on me.
Why am I still doing this?
February. March. April. May. June.
July.
This is the 6th month, but will it ensure I walk off for good?
I'm almost there. Distractions. I bury myself in distractions.
HELP ME FIND SOMEBODY TO WHISK ME AWAY FROM THIS. D:
I'm okay now. That's my spazzing out moments.

Where are we? What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just began to form.
Crop circles in the carpet.
Sinking. Feeling.
Spin me round again, and rub my eyes.
This can't be happening.
When busy streets, a mess with people.
Would stop to hold their heads heavy.
hide&seek.trains&sewingmachines.
allthoseyears,theywerehere1st.

I'm scared I'll never get married and have my own children to mollycoddle.
I'm scared I'll never have the job of a therapist I've yearned for.
Never be nascent, never be nubile.

Today I woke up at 7:54AM. I studied and fell asleep at 9.
I woke up at 1 and listened to Utada Hikaru for almost the whole day.

Snickerdoodle

Hi I'm Janice, and I'm a sinner.
I juss got my three warts on my right arm frozen. It hurts.
I didn't like the two on my ring finger, cuhs I got them from Fairfax Square's pool.
And Fairfax Square's pool reminds me of things. )=
And they were gross also. Yuck, fuck dirty pools.
I really like the one on my elbow though. I'm hoping it doesn't freeze off.
I like how I have a matching bra and undies in purple.
I don't like how my dog attacks me viciously out of nowhere when I'm trying to sleep.
I like how there are fireworks even when Independence was yesterday.
I don't like it that Coco keeps bullying Rosie. >:[
I like my pink smiley face cushion.
I don't like how I fell asleep at 5AM because I was sad.
asdfghjkl;

Air

11:O9AM
Haha. I’m currently on the plane, and since there’s no internet.
I’m writing this on Microsoft Word so I can copy&paste it to my blog laters!
My phone won’t even work ,shiet. >:[
Teehee. I’m watching SpongeBob Squarepants. I love SpongeBob. (:
Bleeeeh. I wanted to talk to my girliefrand on the plane, but I have no service.
They say the flight will only take 4 hours and 14 minutes.
I don’t like the number four. D=
I’m so mad, the airport didn’t sell any Arizona Iced Tea.
I’m kinda dizzy. I hope I have internet in Virginia.
Also, Jennifer Nguyen is coming here too, next month.
Hopefully, we meet up and hang out of California. :O
Haha. I’m juss gonna play games on my laptop now.
I would play Sims2, but then it’s kinda embarrassing cuhs people can see.
I’m so tired. I slept at 3AM and woke up at 6AM.
Now I’m watching MTV. It’s talking about Coney Island. (:
I’ve been to Coney Island once with my mom. It’s really fun. I should go again.
This blog is gonna be boring cuhs I’m so distracted watching RoomRaiders.

1:O2PM
I’ve been watching iCarly for the past 2 hours. I actually like it.
How old are these characters anyways? They look like kids.
Man, I’m a little kid. It’s fucking cold.
I am REALLY cold. My nose is chilly.
I got free chips and a Sprite. Yayyyy for free food!
Okay, back to watching iCarly. :D

3:43PM/6:43PM
Stuck in traffic right now. At times like this, I wish I had WiFi.
I’m currently listening to my iPod with the JetBlue headphones.
They were $1 at the airport, but this nice white man gave them to me for free.
I’m really starting to appreciate white people nowadays.
Hopefully, this airport traffic rush won’t last long becuhs I’m really hungry.
I called my girliferand juss a while ago. Made me feel much better.
I’m taller than my mom. :O It’s been 2 years.
Listening to Hide and Seek.<3>
I’m getting really fond of these headphones.
They’ve been with me for the past 5 hours, and it’s way better then my jacked up earphones.
Well, I’ll update laters! I’m gonna go play some computer games.

4:37PM/7:37PM
I finally got my hands on some internet. I'm at my momma's friend's house.
They're making me food! :D
I'll try to update throughout the summer.

What am I supposed to do?

I was hoping you'd fall in love with me the second time I came around.

Today was SO tiring. I went out to eat with Ms.E at Brodard Chateau.
She dropped me off at my boyfrand, Arimi's house.
I had like massive diarrhea at her house because I ate too much at Brodard. It was so sad.
I even prayed to God to save me and help my tummy not hurt while sitting on the toilet.
After that whole scene was over, I talked with my boyfrand. I've missed her.
Then my dad said he was coming home early, so I rushed out.
I stopped by Sk's house.
The first thing he says to me when he sees me, "Why are you so short?"
I rushed to the bus station, but no bus was coming so I fast walked to the next bus station.
There was a 20 year oldish man waiting, so I asked him when the bus would come.
He started talking to me and shiet, and I told him I had to go home cuhs my dad didn't know I was out.
He asked me where I lived. Eeeek. I told him that I lived in the Korean district. D=
I also noticed he had a fucking erection when he was talking to me. So scary! T____T
I got off the bus and ran home and talked to bf on the phone.
Then my phone ran out of batteries and turned off on her. >:O
My dad didn't bring me sushi. ):
Well, I should start packing for Monday! && call my mommy.<3

Headache and Sore feet

ARGHHH so damn tired. This blog is for my biff. And the girliefrand.
So like last night, I slept at around 1AM. This morning I fucking woke up at 9AM.
I was so tired and grouchy. >:[
I couldn't decide on what to wear. It was stressing me out.
I kept getting distracted by something in the sea.
After finally showering and straightening my hair, I imed Jay up and we walked to Arirang to get Lisa a gift.
My feet hurt so much! And fucking Jay didn't even help me and I bought him chips too. JERK.
At Arirang Market, I played the toy-crane machine game, and I won a TURTLE! Kinda ugly, but still.
Man, I swear I have killer skills at toy-crane machines. The claw grabbing shit, you know?
Jay came to my house and I ate my Teriyaki stick with my Arizona and he was making fun of me.
Then I walked to gf's house. But I got lost, and ended up talking to an old white man.
He was really nice. We talked about loud Vietnamese ladies, Korean markets, BGHS, fish, and Gran Torino.
After, I had to run my ass to Marjorie's house and THIS my friend, is where it gets bad.
Marjorie's mom was hella pissed cuhs she knew Marjorie's bf was gonna be there.
Well, when they finally came, I WAS FUCKING SQUISHED. We all were.
The backseat is meant for three passengers. Not four.
It was Ryan, me, Marjorie, and Marjorie's bf. I was dying.
You know what the best part is? I got in the car at about 5, I got out at 7.
Yeah, I spent two fucking hours cramped in the backseat of a smallass stuffy car.
I kinda felt bad cuhs the guy called Sleepy was driving around the whole entire place.
We were going on freeways and shit, and I was so confused and pissed the whole entire time. =/
I posted this part on FML, but I don't think they'd choose mine.
We ended up at West mall and shiet he started driving towards SanDiego, I was so scared.
Knott's was pretty fun. My head hurts a lot though.
I rode this scary Dragon Swing thing. Waaaaah so scary, and little kids were having fun.

And after, we rode La Revolcion. Monica was my buddy. We got the scary side. I was screaming so loud.

After this was Jaguar. It was so scary, and this little girl was like laughing and stuff.
I'm such a pussy, but by that time, my head was like pounding.

After that, they went to ride this REALLY scary ride, so Kevin and I went to Camp Snoopy and rode Woodstock's Airmail. I was sitting next to these little girls and I was yelling "I'm scared Kevin!" And they laughed at me. D=

After was Silver Bullet. Silver Bullet never ceases to amaze me. I was smiling in the picture thing.
We rode it when it was dark out. I could see all the lights and cars up in the air. I fucking love it.

Then we went on log ride. Twice. Ahaha. I love the log ride, but I hate having to spread my legs!

Pony Express was the last ride. I love it too! xD

It was so tiring. My head hurt so much and my feet too. But I had fun.
I got home and showered and ate a late ass dinner. I still have a headache. )=

Need some sleep;

Eric is keeping me company while I wait for this night to end.
Here's a glimpse of a Mak and Yang production. My favorites!

Has a tragedy ever happened in your life?
Janice: I found out my dad and stepmom are having sex on the bed I'm sleeping on. D:
Eric: .. dude
Janice: I know
Eric: That's nasty.
Janice: I know
Eric; What I just found out from Janice
Janice: I know. =/

Are there some songs you cant listen to because they remind you of someone?
Janice: Fuck that! I listen to songs I want to listen to, and if somebody I don;'t want to think about pops up, I beat the living crap outta them and listen to my good music.
Eric; Uhh nope. JANICE STOP BEIN A SAILOR
Janice: I'm not a sailor. :[
Eric: You're a sailor.
'NUFF SAID

Are you happy with where you are relationship-wise now?
Janice: I don't wanna be single. -CRIESSS-Eric help me, my eyes are twitching. I think I'm insomnic!
Eric; Yeah I am. Janice I've been helping you!. You're not an insomniac. :P
Janice: Now I'm a maniac? I sad nic; not niac! ARG.
Eric: What the hell is an insomnic?
Janice: Person who can't sleep.
Eric: That's an insomniac...
I'm a BLONDIE. Dx

Should chauvinists of either gender be in a relationship?
Janice: The hell is a chauvititties? Some zucchini sucking monsters?
Eric; No. Wait. Take that back, they're not my life.
Janice: hat life?
Eric; The chauvinists that decide to get into relationships.
Janice: What are they? Cannibals?
Eric: People who are really biased and devote themselves to a group, cause, or attitude.
Janice: Oh sounds like zucchini sucking monsters to me.